fave song at the moment

I never really understood love
No, not until I saw your face
Then I knew what Id been missing
For all my life

I never let myself believe it
No, not till I looked into your eyes
Then I knew I found all I need
The moment that I found you

I was born to love you
Born to be right here by your side
Through all your darkest nights
I was born to love you
Id do anything to make you mine
Until the end of time

Theres no need to ever doubt it
You set my love free when you walked in the door
You changed everything
Youre all that Im living for

I was born to love you
Born to be right here by your side
Through all your darkest nights
I was born to love you
Id do anything to make you mine
Until the end of time

You changed everything
Youre all that Im living for

I was born to love you
Born to be right here by your side
Through all your darkest nights
I was born to love you
Id do anything to make you mine
Until the end of time

I was born to love you
Born to be right here by your side
Through all your darkest nights
I was born to love you
Id do anything to make you mine
Until the end of time

I was born to love you

 

                              i was born to love you/eric carmen

  

 

 

My H-line for Healing

After more than a month of being on remission, I went back to the cancer institute for my scheduled consolidation or intensification chemotherapy. The goal of this phase is to destroy any remaining leukemia cells. It was also the start of the preparation for my stem cell transplant tentatively scheduled on July 2008.

First, my Hickman line was reinstalled. It is a silicon tube placed into one of my major blood vessels leading to my heart. It is used for giving treatment directly into a vein for my chemotherapy, administration of intravenous fluids, for my blood transfusion and for taking blood samples. The benefit of this thing is that it will save me the discomfort of having needles repeatedly inserted into my veins. I hate needles really. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

The procedure actually started with a lot of x-rays in my neck and chest. When the vein has been identified, the line was then fitted. The procedure lasted for less than 30 minutes. Of course, it was done with a local anaesthetic and some intravenous sedatives. The line actually enters a vein in my neck (my collar bone) and exits from my upper chest. It was inserted through a tunnel in my skin. There were tingling sensations and pinches of pain during the procedure. It was very uncomfortable and I got four stitches after the incision. Keeping my “dangling line” in place is a stitch placed around the catheter. I was told that the stitch will remain there until the normal tissues has grown enough to hold the line naturally. Also, I was informed that there’s a small cuff in the tunnel which supports the tube.

I had four chemo sessions already using the reinstalled line. And as expected I was wasted, nauseous and exhausted. The day after my second chemo I’ve spiked a fever and was given a liquid paracetamol. When I woke up the next day, my temp went down from 101.2 to 98.5. Thank God.

Just a while ago, I was told that my “precious” Hickman line is due for flushing and cleaning with saline and heparin anytime this week so as to prevent it from being blocked by blood clots and also to avoid contamination. The nurse also told me that they will teach me how to clean it so that I can do the cleaning when I go home. Yahoo!

My oncologist told me that this “thing hanging on my chest” will now become my constant companion and best friend and I better give it a name so that our “bonding” will become more personal. Okay then, so from now on, my hickman line will be called “Hickie”. Ha ha ha.

I’m still up for more chemo sessions the coming days and I’m praying and keeping my faith that God will continuously show His face upon me and that He will help me get pass through it. Bless God!

together

Since the day that we met girl
I’ve never had anyone make me feel this way
And my heart is sure it wants to be with you
Want to give you the whole world ohh
If you make the promise to me, I’m gonna stay
Without you guiding me, I’m lost and so confused

What will it take to show you I’ll be by your side
Cause I got you and I want to give you what you never had
Girl everyday I hope to make you part of my life
Cause you know me and I know you
Girl your love is where it’s at..ohhh

I’m gonna be the love that’s gonna last
And be the one that got your back
And nothing never that bad
That we would be together
And we both made a mistake
And something never wished we made
But we will be okay if we just stay together

Oooh..I know he left you stranded
And you paid the price when you messed up your life
Girl I know you’re so afraid but I can’t write the wrong cd
I know you saw the lipstick on my window
And wonder how many chicks been to my home
I done my share of playing games
But for you I given up that life

What will it take to show you I’ll be by your side

Cause I got you and I want to give you what you never had
Girl everyday I hope to make you part of my life
Cause you know me and I know you
Girl your love is where it’s at..ohhh

I’m gonna be the love that’s gonna last
And be the one that got your back
And nothing never that bad
That we would be together
And we both made a mistake
And something never wished we made
But we will be okay if we just stay together

Baby you’re the one I’m waiting for
Because you give me what I needed more
Cause its clear that we are meant to be
Together we should be together
Eternally..Ooohh
And I’m gonna be

I’m gonna be the love that’s gonna last
And be the one that got your back
And nothing never that bad
That we would be together
And we both made a mistake
And something never wished we made
But we will be okay if we just stay together

I’m gonna be the love that’s gonna last
And be the one that got your back
And nothing never that bad
That we would be together
And we both made a mistake
And something never wished we made
But we will be okay if we just stay together

                                    together/ne-yo

i know we will be together soon…i can’t wait…i’m holding on….mahal kita!

(video by: ginarhhx33zhim)

how do i look now?

less hair, a little disfigured but still looking very human…..what do you think?

 

 

when will this end?

i’m getting tired of having “needles” for breakfast

an easter message

Hallelujah! The Lamb of God has risen! Jesus is Alive!

(photo source: http://easyrew.1bbb.org.uk/amicus/images/easter-empty-tomb.jpg)

no greater love

 

Before I knew your name
You knew my every breath
Before I found my way
You knew my every step
Before I knew everything that I need
You gave it all to me

No greater love than this
That you should lay down your life
For someone such as me
I’d spend a life time wondering why
The beauty of heaven is here in my heart
And I know there can be
No greater love
Than this

I never understood
How mercifull love could be
Untill I felt His flame
Light every part of me
And I would give everything that I am
Cause I have been saved
Yes I have been saved

No greater love than this
That you should lay down your life
For someone such as me
I spend a life time wondering why
The beauty of heaven is here in my heart
And I know there can be
No greater love

Ooohh…

The beauty of heaven is here in my heart
And I know there can be
No greater love
For someone such as me
No greater love
Than this

thank you my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ……Your love is simply amazing!!!            

i fall so deep

 

I’m always thinking about you,
I wonder if you can tell,
These things I’m feeling inside me,
I keep them all to myself.
Scared to show my true emotions,
don’t want to love alone,
‘Cause I fall so deep,
you never know how far I go,
And I know why, my heart beats desperately,
I fall so deep.
Some people think love is foolish,
while others think its a game,
I think that love is a fire,
I’m burning up in your flame
I’m so lost in my emotions,
wanting you ever more.
‘Cause I fall so deep,
you never know how far I go,
And I know why, my heart beats desperately,
I fall so deep,
I fall so deep,
I fall so deep.
And I’ve come so close to the part,
where I reveal my heart to you,
But I lose my nerve,
can’t find the words to tell you that it’s true.
I fall so deep, ’cause I fall so deep,
You never know how far I go,
And I know why, heart beats desperately,
I fall so deep, I fall so deep,
I fall so deep, I fall so deep.

                       i fall so deep/elements of life

pt dancing

i enjoyed my physical therapy session today. i abandoned my cane and had a great time dancing with my dance err physical therapist. yes, you read it right, i went dancing and i really had a great time.

dance movement therapy or DMT is a psychotherapeutic use of movement for emotional, cognitive, social, behavioural and physical conditions. they also call it expressive therapy. contrary to the usual dance which is more focus on the artistic movements, DMT is into exploring the nature of movements. the focus is actually on the connection of the mind and the body to promote healing.

my therapist told me that through observing and altering my kinesthetic movement he would be able to diagnose and help me solve various physical as well as psychological issues. he added that this kind of therapy is also very effective in improving self-esteem and reducing stress of people who went into the hellish experience of chemotherapy.

so the goal of my sessions is to actually provide more exercise, improve my mobility, muscle coordination and reduction of muscle tension. at first i was so unsure if i would be able to pull it through since i’m really not into dancing and i couldn’t imagine myself dancing with a cane. but i ended up putting all my worries behind when i finally hit the dance floor and i felt really great moving my thin body to the sexy tune of ”oye como va”. he he he.

my blood counts are picking up and although i’ve been experiencing some mild asthma attacks i feel a lot better and i’m looking forward to going home and taking my much needed house arrest err rest

again, my sincerest thanks to those who are praying for me and supporting me financially,  morally and spiritually. God bless all of you. my hopes are high that i would be able to survive this phase and move up to consolidation therapy and bone marrow transplant.

let’s dance to that!

OT doki

today is my third day doing my OT and i feel good!  

occupational therapy or OT refers to the use of meaningful occupation to assist people who have difficulty in achieving a healthy and balanced lifestyle.

according to the OT manual that was given to me, occupational therapists work with a variety of individuals who have difficulty accessing or performing meaningful occupations. they work with individuals who have conditions that are mentally, physically, developmentally or emotionally disabling. their goal is to help their clients have independent, productive and satisfying lives. basically, its about helping someone like me, a leukemia patient on remission, get back my independence and enjoy life as normal as possible. isn’t that great?

so my first OT session which lasted for 3 hours was on dressing, we called it “dress for success”.  i told the therapist that i can put my socks, jockey and pants all by myself but its the upper stuff which i find difficult to put on alone. so he helped me in putting on a patient gown as if i’m going to wear  a shirt and then he gave me a small panel with fabric and buttons and he asked me to button up the material like a shirt. it was difficult and painful but i was able to pull it through after 30 minutes. whew! the process was repeated i think 3 times and  after that he asked me to answer a 3-page questionnaire full of abstract figures. whew again!

afternoon of the same day, i was with my physical therapist and i had fun doing some leg exercises and walking. first it was walking with a walker, then with my cane. i was so proud of myself because i was able to walk farther and broke my own record. after taking a break, i had some stress testing and arm exercises. i was exhausted but i felt really good. seeing those sweats coming out made me smile.

second day of OT is on shaving and it was hard. its been a while since i used my hands that way and coordination was difficult at first. i almost cut the side of my lower lip while shaving my moustache. and i felt really sad when we tried shaving a little of my goatee. he he he.

so today is the third day and i still have two more sessions for OT. i feel a lot better now and i want to believe that i’m getting better, well except for a fever spike two days ago.

i can walk now, a few baby steps, without my cane and it felt really great. i hope i could jog and jump soon.

again i want to say thank you to all those who are praying for me and supporting me financially, emotionally and spiritually. thank you so much. God bless all of you.

the journey continues………..ahoo! ahoo! (inspired by “300″) he he he

so wonderful

Whenever i wake up
the first thing i think of is you
i still can’t imagine
that this really happened to me

i’ve never felt so alive
ever since you walked into my life
something’s come over me
i love what you’ve done to me
i’ve fallen for you
and its all because…

you are so wonderful to me [so wonderful baby]
with the way that you..
with the way that you love me
yes you are so wonderful to me
i love the way
that you love me

your love is so precious
that i’ll never let this..
ever go
ever go, ever go baby
girl, i can’t remember a time when i was ever
so in love

words can never explain
no no no
all the joy that you give me each day
i never thought love would be
the only thing i would need
i really think you are the one
and its all because..

you are so wonderful to me
with the way that you..
with the way that you love me baby
yes you are so wonderful to me
i love you more
that you love me

when i’m with my friends
even when i’m all alone
i think of you baby, i think of you
and when the radio
plays your favorite song
i think of you baby, i think of you

i’ve never felt so alive
ever since you walked into my life
somethings come over me
now look what you’ve done to me
i’ve fallen for you
and its all because…

you are so wonderful to me
with the way that you love me
’cause you are so wonderful to me
with the way that you love me

       so wonderful/devotion

answered prayer

today, i finally got the result of my spinal tap.

after analyzing and comparing the blast cells on my latest spinal tap from the blast cells of my original bone marrow biopsy, the pathologist concluded that they look very different from the leukemic blast cells in the original biopsy and that the blast cells were normal immature cells.

my “early cell count” was only 4% and she said that anything below 5% is considered normal. so technically i’m in remission! yahooo!!!!  

i’ll be out of the hospital next week for my much needed rest and then i’ll go back to consolidation therapy after 1 month. the oncologist said that i can take the therapy as an out-patient and it will be for 2 months. if all goes well then we will proceed with the bone marrow transplant by mid-May.

i’m much overwhelmed by God’s great love for me. words are inadequate to describe the joy within me. thank you to my family for the unconditional love, my relatives, my doctors, nurses, friends, online friends and strangers who prayed for me and journeyed with me. thank you so much. He answered our prayers.

to my Lord and Savior, my Redeemer and Healer,  Jesus Christ, You are awesome! i worship You for who You are. thank you for Your faithfulness, thank you for Your Great love. I am in awe of You!

the journey from brokenman to betterman continues…….

standing here in Your presence, thinking of the good things You have done. waiting here patiently, just to hear the still small voice again

Holy, Righteous, Faithful ’till the end. Savior, Healer, Redeemer and Friend

I will worship You for who You are. I will worship You for who You are. I will worship You for who You are Jesus

My soul’s secure, Your promises’ sure. Your love endures always

I will worship You for who You are. I will worship You for who You are. I will worship You for who You are Jesus         

                     for who you are/hillsong australia