Archive for Disyembre, 2006

getting emotional

saw these at the bay area



the sunset…the moon..the sky..the clouds

i miss u bebe

mahal na mahal kita

sana..sana..makita na kita ulit!

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Rain for Christmas

Happy birthday Lord Jesus! It’s your stubborn love that didn’t let go of me. It’s your unconditional love that is continously healing me. Help mo so that I won’t fall out of your grace.

Yes, Lord, I am ready for the “new things” that you are telling me to do. I am weak but I know You will be my strength. Help me not to fail You this time.

Give me strength, Lord, to cross the waters. Keep my heart upon Your altar. Keep my feet. Don’t let me falter. And rain down, Lord. Because it’s your Living Water that I desire. It’s You I desire.

(merry christmas everyone! may we all have a blessed one! God bless! )

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I’m Feeling Green

Green symbolizes self-respect and well being. Green is the color of balance. It also means learning, growth and harmony. It symbolizes the Master Healer and the life force. It contains the powerful energies of nature, growth, desire to expand or increase, balance and a sense of order. Change and transformation is necessary for growth, and so this ability to sustain changes is also a part of the energy of green.

Put some green in your life when you want:

  • a new state of balance
  • feel a need for change or growth
  • freedom to pursue new ideas
  • protection from fears and anxieties connected with the demands of others


In Green

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vicious cycle

i dont understand why we are always into this vicious cycle of hurting each other…today, we are okay, next day, we are not okay, then the next day, okay ulit, then the next day, hindi na naman. we were like that even nung tayo po…and now, hindi pa tayo ulit, ganun na naman.


its sickening…

its not helping us…

aargh……..this “getting-back-together-starting-over-again-second chance-thing” is beginning to take a toll on me.

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for now…

maybe we need just a little more time. time that can heal what’ s been on your mind. you can find what we lost before it all slips away. we need time to mend from the mistakes i’ve made.

God only knows what a heart can survive. so many tears from all the pain in our lives. and where else could we go after all we’ve been through. i still believe my life is right here with you.

so just hold on and it’ll wont take long. i hope that you can still love me when the pain is gone. i dont want us to fall through the cracks of a broken heart. dont want us to fall through the cracks of a broken heart.

i know its taking a while but every lesson, i’ve learned and if your heart speaks tonight, i’ll hear every word. if you want to be free, Ulilangpuno_1 i’ll never stand in your way. but with all that i am, i’m asking you to stay.

hold on. and it’ll wont be long. i hope that you can still love me when the pain is gone. i dont want us to fall through the cracks of a broken heart. dont want us to fall through the cracks of a broken heart. Clouds

there’s a light that can burn. it exists in the heart. you can feel it when you know love is true. if you could try to be strong and keep the light burning long it took a lifetime but i found it in you. hold on and it’ll wont be long. i hope that you can still love me when the pain is gone. i dont want us to fall through the cracks of a broken heart. dont want us to fall through the cracks of a broken heart.                                          

                                                                          –cracks of a broken heart, eric benet

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“we are in it again”

the day after yesterday..

we were so okay; talking about the floor plan and floor lay-outs of your new pad; we had fun doing our drawings on ym doodle; halfway through the conversation you said “sana asawa na lang kita” of which i asked “bakit hindi na ba puwede?” and you said, “puwede pa naman, kaya bilisan mo”; you even said i can still call you Bebe and you can still call me Bebe– even if there’s no official bonding yet; it feels good to know that inspite of all that had happened, we know in our hearts that we are still each other’s BEBES; the conversation ended well.


you were on your way to a shoot in Laguna; i called you; you were happy; i love the sound of your voice; and we had a nice conversation; told you i love you and you said “basta gawin mo na yung dapat mong gawin”; and i said yes because i am so sure that things will turn out okay (the documents are almost on their way to UPS and my pad is “all set” for its new tenant); you called me BEBE and it felt so good; i missed that, really, and i’ve been dreaming, dying to hear you call me BEBE again; then i got missed calls from you; asked you if you were okay and you said you were drunk; i got worried; i called you and you sound drunk but a little sober i guess; you called me BEBE; then you asked me “Enzo, do you really love me?; i answered “yes, i do love you so much” and you said “no, you dont love me because if you love me, you will be here with me”; then there’s the pressure again; the “blaming me” game is on; and then i said “i dont want to argue with you, you are drunk, please take a rest now, let’s talk when you are sober“; and then you cried; your voice was cracking, you were sobbing, and then you said “i dont want to grow old alone”; “you will not grow old alone, i’m here, i will never leave you” i answered back; and then the arguments again; i saw no point of arguing with you since its very obvious you were drunk; i told you i’ll end the call and i want you to rest and we will talk when you are sober; so that’s it—i press the “end call” button.

after a few minutes–i realized that i shouldn’t be hanging up on you when you are in that state; i felt bad and i got worried at the same time; called your number a couple of times but you ignored my calls; i was devastated; i hate myself for hanging up; a thousand thoughts entered my head; i even thought of ending my life; i felt so bad; i was so hurt and worried; i dont know what your silence means; you are drifting away; can’t explain the pain;


i tried calling you again but still, you ignored my calls. i ended up crying, hating myself; i tried focusing on other things–my family, my medication—but I just can’t..i can’t stop thinking about you…i love you so much and i feel like dying; the thought that we might not be able to see each other anymore pains me to no end; i am losing you again and its killing me; i want to bleed; i want to bleed until there’s no more blood;

i was taking my dinner when i got an “empty sms” from you; made me think; “so we are on it again”; i dont know if I should call you or send an “empty sms” as a reply; but i have to admit my heart skipped a beat; i’m at the crossroads now; i dont know if this “second chance” thing is still workable; all the time that we are apart i think all we did was break each other’s hearts and i dont want to hurt you anymore; seems like everything that i’m doing is nothing for you; i can understand the mistrust Bebe but i’m not asking for the “whole cake”, just a “dot” of it, just a “small slice of it” will do; and right now i’m just too tired to beg for that; if you want to give it, thank you; if you dont want to give it to me, then what can i do?; maybe i’ll just cry my heart out and then die;

i know this “starting all over again” phase is not the easiest thing to do although i still believe that getting back together is better than getting over each other; but wait a minute—we are not over; it just stopped; was paused; to be continued; and its all up to us if we want it to end it or to open a new phase; i think this time, we, the two of us, should decide on it; anyway, we dont have a choice–we still have to move on–face the music–swim in the water–live with the phase;

so there……sent you sms, “mahal kita bella”; yes, i was expecting a reply–not just an “empty sms”, not just a “smiley”; but i know i shouldnt be expecting too much now.

got your reply; sure; you’ll have it; at least, you know that i do love you; at least you believe that; i hope you’ll not ignore my calls this time; i’ll call you—in 5 minutes. mahal kita Bebe.

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your way

can’t i just do it my way this time? you always want me to do things “your way” and i really dont feel good about it. if i say i’m doing something and its not your way, you’ll think that i’m not doing anything. that is so unfair. i still love you and i will never want to lose this chance of having you in my life again, may it be friendship or more than friendship, but i dont feel good about “you trying to pressure me to do things your way”. please give me that chance to prove that i can do it on my own. we are two different individuals, we have our own minds and i do understand your situation, but please respect my “individuality”. diskarte ko naman ngayon. sige na. you want the truth, you’ll get it—but please let me do it my way. te quiero mucho.

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Sólo averiguado que ella suprimió algunos de mis comentarios en su “tagged profile”. Duelo ahora mismo. Todavía puedo recordar ese momento—hablábamos en el teléfono, le pregunté si yo pudiera dejar un comentario y ella dijo sí; ella se reía tontamente hasta cuando ella vio mis comentarios — pero ahora, esto ha ido, no ha suprimido, en ninguna parte.

Bien, esto está aquí el perfil, ella puede hacer lo que ella quiere con ello y este es mi diario y puedo escribir lo que quiero escribir en ello. Y este es el ello dejando van del dolor.

Yo pensaba que tal vez había reacciones violentas de sus amigos entonces ella decidió suprimirlo o tal vez ella estaba con miedo que el “yo le ame” comentarios haría daño a su “comerciabilidad” en la red. Pero no quiero pensar que ella se anuncia en línea para un tipo. ¿Es ella esto desespera?

Quiero preguntarle por qué ella suprimió mis comentarios pero estoy tan con miedo que esto ascienda sólo al dolor que siento ahora mismo. Siendo hecho daño es el único modo de estar con ella otra vez, soy conectado, lo acepto, pero sólo no sé cuanto puede yo soportar el dolor, cuanto puede yo colgar en todos los dolores que ella me da.

Comienzo a dudar de ella y sus intenciones de dirigirme a mí otra vez, “dándome una segunda posibilidad” (aun si no lo pido), “el ofrecimiento de la amistad”. Ella parece tan sincera en el teléfono y quiero creer que ella quiere decir lo que ella dice. Pero este incidente añadió un poco de sal a mi herida abierta. ¿Es ella para verdadero?

¿Ofrece esta amistad para verdadero? ¿O ella sólo quiere ponerse hasta y hacer daño a mí más en el proceso? ¿Es esta venganza o perdón? Lord, ayúdeme a discernir. Ayúdeme a no escuchar a mi corazón. No sabía que el amor haría daño a mí este mucho.

mi amor, te quiero. te quiero tanto. todavia.

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