“we are in it again”

the day after yesterday..

we were so okay; talking about the floor plan and floor lay-outs of your new pad; we had fun doing our drawings on ym doodle; halfway through the conversation you said “sana asawa na lang kita” of which i asked “bakit hindi na ba puwede?” and you said, “puwede pa naman, kaya bilisan mo”; you even said i can still call you Bebe and you can still call me Bebe– even if there’s no official bonding yet; it feels good to know that inspite of all that had happened, we know in our hearts that we are still each other’s BEBES; the conversation ended well.

yesterday…

you were on your way to a shoot in Laguna; i called you; you were happy; i love the sound of your voice; and we had a nice conversation; told you i love you and you said “basta gawin mo na yung dapat mong gawin”; and i said yes because i am so sure that things will turn out okay (the documents are almost on their way to UPS and my pad is “all set” for its new tenant); you called me BEBE and it felt so good; i missed that, really, and i’ve been dreaming, dying to hear you call me BEBE again; then i got missed calls from you; asked you if you were okay and you said you were drunk; i got worried; i called you and you sound drunk but a little sober i guess; you called me BEBE; then you asked me “Enzo, do you really love me?; i answered “yes, i do love you so much” and you said “no, you dont love me because if you love me, you will be here with me”; then there’s the pressure again; the “blaming me” game is on; and then i said “i dont want to argue with you, you are drunk, please take a rest now, let’s talk when you are sober“; and then you cried; your voice was cracking, you were sobbing, and then you said “i dont want to grow old alone”; “you will not grow old alone, i’m here, i will never leave you” i answered back; and then the arguments again; i saw no point of arguing with you since its very obvious you were drunk; i told you i’ll end the call and i want you to rest and we will talk when you are sober; so that’s it—i press the “end call” button.

after a few minutes–i realized that i shouldn’t be hanging up on you when you are in that state; i felt bad and i got worried at the same time; called your number a couple of times but you ignored my calls; i was devastated; i hate myself for hanging up; a thousand thoughts entered my head; i even thought of ending my life; i felt so bad; i was so hurt and worried; i dont know what your silence means; you are drifting away; can’t explain the pain;

today…

i tried calling you again but still, you ignored my calls. i ended up crying, hating myself; i tried focusing on other things–my family, my medication—but I just can’t..i can’t stop thinking about you…i love you so much and i feel like dying; the thought that we might not be able to see each other anymore pains me to no end; i am losing you again and its killing me; i want to bleed; i want to bleed until there’s no more blood;

i was taking my dinner when i got an “empty sms” from you; made me think; “so we are on it again”; i dont know if I should call you or send an “empty sms” as a reply; but i have to admit my heart skipped a beat; i’m at the crossroads now; i dont know if this “second chance” thing is still workable; all the time that we are apart i think all we did was break each other’s hearts and i dont want to hurt you anymore; seems like everything that i’m doing is nothing for you; i can understand the mistrust Bebe but i’m not asking for the “whole cake”, just a “dot” of it, just a “small slice of it” will do; and right now i’m just too tired to beg for that; if you want to give it, thank you; if you dont want to give it to me, then what can i do?; maybe i’ll just cry my heart out and then die;

i know this “starting all over again” phase is not the easiest thing to do although i still believe that getting back together is better than getting over each other; but wait a minute—we are not over; it just stopped; was paused; to be continued; and its all up to us if we want it to end it or to open a new phase; i think this time, we, the two of us, should decide on it; anyway, we dont have a choice–we still have to move on–face the music–swim in the water–live with the phase;

so there……sent you sms, “mahal kita bella”; yes, i was expecting a reply–not just an “empty sms”, not just a “smiley”; but i know i shouldnt be expecting too much now.

got your reply; sure; you’ll have it; at least, you know that i do love you; at least you believe that; i hope you’ll not ignore my calls this time; i’ll call you—in 5 minutes. mahal kita Bebe.

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