Archive for Enero, 2007

why not me?

the doctors at st luke’s medical center cancer institute confirmed what we’ve been suspecting all along…it was leukemia.

so that explains why i have excessive night sweats, infections, unusual feeling of tiredness, headaches, shortness of breath, pain in my bones and joints and abnormal bleeding of my nose and mouth.

my bone marrow test revealed the abnormal production of white blood cells and the blocking in the production of normal white blood cells. i was told that such was the main cause of my body’s inability to fight infection.  

i immediately went into oral drug therapy consisting of arsenic trioxide and all trans retinoic acid or atra. i was told these drugs can cause leukemia cells with specific gene mutation to mature and die.  my first 2 weeks of therapy was hell—i cant stand up, was throwing up due to an upset stomach and was bedridden for the rest of the day. i was given a meal plan and was advised to eat more fruits and vegetables.

i’m unable to adapt to the changes…sometimes i feel so okay..then in a minute…my nose will bleed…and i’m not okay anymore…it sucks!

nevertheless, recent test results showed that my body was responding positively to the medication, although its a bit slow. i was advised that there’s a possibility for  remission in 4 months. 

but what if there’s no remission in 4 months, what will happen to me?

i’m still in the process of accepting my condition and its really not easy. i’ve sort of prepared some things just in case (memorial plan, time deposit for my kids, last will and testament, the coat, tie, pants, jockey, socks and shoes that i will wear, the goodbye letters and cards, etc).

there were nights when i just find myself crying. i’m always afraid to sleep. i think of my family; my parents are both old now, my younger bro is still studying. i think of my children; i want to see my son grow up to be a fine young man, my daughters; my two lovely daughters, i still want to see them grow up, i want to be able to scrutinize their suitors and walk them on their wedding days. i still want to have children with “her” my bebe; so many plans, so many things that i wanted to do.

i was out of focus; and opportunities slipped; i lost my self esteem; i began to do self-pity; i saw myself as a hopeless, no chance, leukemic, ugly man with no purpose; and to make things worst; dad got sick; and my bebe dumped me. 

one night, i just found myself talking to HIM. i started to open up my inner thoughts, my pains, my questions, “why me Lord? why me”…and then, just like in the movies, He showed me all the things that He has done for me; the blessings that He has given and still giving me;  yes, i’m sick but look, i’m still alive, breathing, with a family, children and friends, they all love me. He died for me, He saved me from my sins, He loves me–unconditionally. I’ve failed Him so many times, I was stubborn, I screwed up, i lied, made things complicated, but He was there, ready to love me again.  

Forgive me Lord, I am so sorry for doubting Your plans for me. thank you for loving me inspite of my imperfections. please teach me to accept these things whole heartedly; please give me more strength so I can get through this; teach me to live one day at a time; i’m giving my life to you; Your ways are higher than my ways Lord; teach me to trust you that nothing will happen to me that You and I can’t handle.

forgive me for asking “why me?”; i’m opening myself…accepting things…”why not me?”..”thank you Lord, you chose me!”

Comments (5) »

dad

Perhaps we’ll never understand each other.
Loving doesn’t mean that we agree.
If that were so, then I would say, why bother?
But there are things I know I’ll never see.
I’m sure your heart knows what I don’t yet know:
The pain of loving a reluctant son;
The anger, coming fast and building slow,
Of being helpless to control someone.
You want only that I grow up right,
But you know what right is, and I still don’t.
I have to learn to wield my inner light,
And if I follow yours, well, then I won’t.
I’m sorry for the anger in the air;
Though we fight, my love is always there.    -author unknown

dad, happy birthday! i may not say it often but i want you to know that i do love you so much. i’m sorry for all the pains that i’ve caused you. sorry if i was such a coward and sorry for not living up to the “name”. i’m picking up the pieces dad. i learned my lessons in a hard and painful way. i am now ready to face my fears, the consequences of my actions, the reality and the uncertainty of the future. i will keep my promise dad. love you po! 

Leave a comment »

awit ng puso ko

“..kung ako’y nagkamaling minsan di na ba mapagbibigyan. o giliw, dinggin mo ang nais ko. kung kaya kong iwanan ka…di na sana aasa pa. kung kaya kong umiwas na…di na sana lalapit pa…mahal pa rin kita…o giliw..o giliw”

mahal na mahal kita…mahal na mahal kita..bebe

Leave a comment »

mabuti pa sila

mabuti pa yung mga street kids…pinapansin mo

ako…wala lang…parang basura lang

di bale…kahit masakit…there’s nothing you can do that will make me unlove you

yes…i still love you…i will see you…kahit ayaw mo na akong makita

i will die loving you

Leave a comment »

getting steep

“..I will watch you..walk into the sun and watch me, walk into the rain. For you, the future’s easy, so don’t weep..for me..it’s getting..steep”

…at least you are happy

…and i want you to be happy

…i’m still clinging to that “smallest” dot of hope

…praying that we could still see each other

…i love you..will always love u

…there’s nothing that you say or do can make me unlove you

…i will die loving you

…i want to die now

Leave a comment »

premonition

i can feel it coming….looks like i am in for a long-painful-journey ahead..

but then again..i was thinking… why would i allow such thing to happen when i can still do something about it? when there’s still the chance? maybe, if i hold her hand…tell her how sorry i am while looking at her soulful eyes…maybe if she see me crying and pouring my heart out..sincerely…she’ll change her mind…maybe if  she would just see me one last time…things might change..she might reconsider…

or then…maybe not

one thing is sure though….i will always love her…with all my heart and soul…always…always

ikaw lang ang bebe ko…noon..ngayon…bukas..hanggang kamatayan

Comments (1) »

Prayer

Lord, when I lose hope because my plans have come to nothing, help me to remember that your love is always greater than my disappointments and your plans for my life are always better than my dreams.

Hold me now Lord, fill this emptiness within.

Please take care of her for me.

Leave a comment »