Archive for Hulyo, 2007

ache

Isn’t it strange the way things can change
The life that you lead turned on its head
Suddenly someone means more than you felt before
Her house and its yard turns into home

I’m sorry but I meant to say
many things along the way
so this one’s for you

Have I told you I ache
Have I told you I ache
Have I told you I ache for you?

Have I told you I ache
Have I told you I ache and I hope its not too late
Have I told you I ache, can I hold you and ache for you?

The time that it took writing words for my book
seems to have broken in half
The gate that i shut last time i got hurt
seems to have opened itself

Oh the world its spinning now its trying to catch me up
and tell me to appreciate the here and now

I’m sorry but i meant to say
many things along the way
so this one’s for you

Have I told you I ache
Have I told you I ache
Have I told you I ache for you?

Have I told you I ache
Have I told you I ache, and I hope its not too late
Have I told you I ache, can I hold you and ache for you?

                                     -ache/james carrington

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mind talking

lazy feeling. heavy thoughts. weary mind. tired soul. creepy imagination.

melancholic emotions. rain drops falling. loud thunderstorm.

dreaming of hawaiian pizza. feeling my aching knees.

counting spider webs. can’t decide whether to call or not call.

drinking green tea. my back at my yellow pillow. resting my aching body.

looking at the mms of her photo on my mobile. feeling very tired.

can’t stop thinking of “what might have been’s and what if’s”.

what will happen now? when will this end?

i don’t think it will.

oh well……let’s see about that……tomorrow

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quote 101

“….love leaves a powerful mark; not a scar, no visible sign….to have been loved so deeply, even though the person who loved is gone, will give us some protection forever…”

           -albus dumbledore/harry potter & the sorcerer’s stone, page 299

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a time for everything

Everything that happens in this world happens at the time God chooses. He sets the time for birth and the time for death; the time for planting and the time for pulling up; the time for killing and the time for healing; the time for tearing down and the time for building;

He sets the time for sorrow and the time for joy; the time for mourning and the time for dancing; the time for making love and the time for not making love; the time for kissing and the time for not kissing;

He sets the time for finding and the time for losing; the time for saving and the time for throwing away; the time for tearing and the time for mending; the time for silence and the time for talk;

He sets the time for love and the time for hate; the time for war and the time for peace.

                                                                                           -Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

so when is the time for us? when can i be with you? when can i see myself in your eyes? when is the right time? when will the time come? i just want to see you and be with you….one last time.

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thank you Lou!

i didn’t know that through blogging i would be able to meet people who will deeply care for me, who will pray for me and who will lift my spirit up and encourage me to go on with my battle. it was a blessing to have found here at wordpress a support group for people with leukemia. i’ve learned a lot from their blogs, their sharings and online advise. it has given me a sense of belonging and it was a source of strength and inspiration.

today when i opened my email, i got an alert from imeem.com. a friend has sent me a message. and i was so moved when i read her piece. i’ve decided to put a copy of her letter here not for my own self-gratification, but as as sign of my deep appreciation for her concern and for being a friend. Thank you so much Lou. I hope you won’t get mad at me because i published your letter here. God bless you.

“July 26, 2007

 

Hello my dear imeem friends,

In our busy and stressful lives, imeem is really one great escapade…listening to music, meeting new friends, sharing common interests, exchanging funny/ sweet comments, expressing deep sentiments etc..etc..etc…

Most of us doesnt know each other personally…but it doesnt matter to me, because i believe most of us here in imeem are passionate , hopeless romantic music lovers,and kindhearted individuals and i find it comfortable to share with you guys some inner thoughts that i have lately…

I have been blog hopping lately, i find it so interesting… until one day i bumped into one blogsite which captured my sentiments and emotions…fortunately the blog owner of this site is an imeem member and has no friend in his profile. I was deeply touched with his blogs/posts that i requested him to add me to his network. I read his blogs all the time…and jus like him, i also have a lot of trials and tribultions in life…but gosh…he made a difference in my life…I was inspired and felt truly blessed for not going through what he is having right now…

and for this matter i would like to reach out to you guys…Please visit his website to know him more (brokenman.wordpress.com)… I hope that in our own little way we can make a little difference in his life and also in our lives…
maybe we can add him to our friendslist?
maybe we can be really friends with him?
maybe we can include him in our prayers?
maybe we can communicate with him even thru e-power?
maybe giving him a little thought that somewhere…somehow…there are people like us no matter how busy, stressed and imeem addicts we are…
yet, we sympathize with him, we feel his agony, who understands his situation, who wishes the best for him? what do you think my friends? just a thought…

anyways, my apologies for being so emote today…bawi ako sa susunod…

lou /
a.k.a. NYNAVI

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ai de fang yan

i often think of writing you in a poem, yet fear you will not understand for my thoughts are as careless as my penmanship and often pressed between the words a mispelled character or two. since the poem is beyond comprehension having more ravings, like those uttered in sleep makes no difference include then the dialect of love completely into the composition

                      –dialect of love/james na

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healing at my Messiah’s time

i just got home from my check-up and i’m so exhausted. adding up to the exhaustion are my credit card statements, wifi bill, water bill, electric bill and some other things that need “financial” attention. i got them all when i arrived home. and so now, i felt like retreating to the comfort of angkong’s farm and stay there forever. 

i had my blood taken for cbc then spent the rest of the morning at the stress test unit of SLMC. in order to determine my body’s response to stress, my cardiologist put me on treadmill cardiac stress testing. i got weary at first because i still find it difficult to walk but i don’t really have a choice. so i walked and walked and walked putting most of my remaining strength on the machine. after the test, my shirt was soaking wet with perspiration but i felt really good. whew!

after lunch, i met up with my psychotherapist for the regular counseling. (yes i’m a psycho he he he).  i can still remember our last session and we’ve talked about my pains and depression. before, i used to think that since i’ve already accepted my present situation, i don’t necessarily need a regular psychotherapy but my oncologist told me that these sessions will greatly help me in coping up with the disease. i’m beginning to see that now. today’s session was quite interesting because we’ve talked about my future plans and my fears.

next stop is the PET or Positron Emission Tomography Center for the results of my PET test. i can still remember that day when i had my PETs (before and after my chemo), the nurse injected into my body a substance called FDG, a sugar-based chemical, and i thought i was going to vomit and explode (silly thought he he he). my body was then scanned with a high resolution devise to determine the metabolism as well as the presence of diseases on the different internal organs and tissues of my body. i had my usual apprehensions when my oncologist told me about the PET but i was assured that the test is non-invasive and that the total radiation is really very small. my last PET was actually to determine whether the cancer was transmitted or it has metastasized to other parts of my body.

my last stop was at the oncologist’s clinic. for the nth time, i was again reminded that my leukemia (AML) is potentially curable but then only a small percentage of AML patients are cured with current therapies. since i’m done with the initial induction therapy or chemotherapy, aimed at inducing remission, i was told to be positive and “obedient” so that remission can come. remission would mean i’m ready to move on to the next phase of my treatment which is consolidation therapy. the goal of this phase is to eliminate any residual undetectable disease and achieve a cure. in a sense, i’m looking at this treatment cycle: induction, then consolidation and finally, maintenance therapy.

of course, my oncologist pointed out that complete remission does not mean that the disease has been cured but rather it means no disease can be detected with the available diagnostic methods. and most importantly, i was advised that remission will miserably fail without consolidation therapy. what will happen if i don’t get a remission? the next step is stem cell transplant and aggressive chemotherapy.

so, how am i taking all these? i’m hurting, i’m feeling down, but i still believe that He is in control and that there are blessings “hidden” within these tribulations. i do cry a lot especially at night but i’ve accepted that this is His will in my life and that He won’t give me something that i can’t bear. i also know that He understands me, that i’m only human, and times like this will come. i’m hurting, crying, fighting, coping but trusting Him.

right now, my soul is tired and weary but i know my Messiah is here with me and He will heal me….in His time! Thy will be done Lord! Thy will be done!

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she’s number 61

……on FHM’s list of 100 sexiest women!!!

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Way to go cuz!!!! God bless!!!!

Advance happy birthday too!!!!

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a visit to my angkong’s farm

july 22; sunday

went home to sta maria bulacan today. left makati at around 6:30 am and arrived at our local church just in time for the 9am worship service.met up with my family and relatives after church and we all proceeded to angkong’s farm in barangay silangan.

i was excited to see the farm coz i’ve never been there for almost a year now. my physical condition has prevented me from going home to bulacan and visit it and it feels great to be able to see the place and enjoy the company of my relatives. 

this is the entrance to the farm and i felt nostalgic when i saw it. i remember my first trip in this place, i was about 10 years old, a new kid on the block. i can still remember how  amazed i was with all the greens around me. the farm is one of the nicest place i’ve ever seen.

this is the path way leading to the inner part of the farm. i used to race here with my cousins, we will run and run and laughed at ourselves. i love running around the trees.  i missed angkong’s voice telling me to be careful because i might run into the house of “ingkong”or “nuno sa punso” and he’ll make my “thing” as big as my arm and i wouldn’t be able to walk again. that thought made me smile. i then looked at my feet and let go of a deep sigh. how can i run with this cane?

the farm is being maintained by an uncle, tito carling. he has a house in the farm just near a small creek where his family lives. we had our lunch there.

this is the barn where most of the farm’s produced are kept. when angkong was still alive, we, me and my cousins, used to go here to sit and listen to his war stories. there used to be a hammock hanging near the door and we love to sit there and sleep. i checked on the barn before leaving the place and it needs a major repair. 😦

this is the road leading to the water tank, the fields where most of the vegetables are planted then to my uncle’s place. i really love the trees on this part of the farm.

 

and this is the water tank. whenever we play hide and seek, i always hide in that “house-like” thing near the tower where the water pump is located. i will never forget that time when i went there to hide and i was almost biten by a snake. from then on, i avoided the water tank and contented myself in hiding behind the trees.

i was so surprised to see angkong’s pick up near the barn. uncle carling said its no longer running but he doesn’t have the heart to sell it to a junk shop.he said he wants to keep it there—just exactly where angkong used to park his most cherished vehicle.

i used to think that angkong is a reckless driver. he drives fast, steps on the break like a racer and he loves to curse every vehicle that cuts his way on the road. i also find him really really gross whenever he spits outside the window. but i remember one time he let me sit on his lap while he was driving and he asked me to hold the steering wheel. while his hands were on my hands, he moved the wheel and told me “drive drive lex”.from then on i told myself that when i grow up i’ll buy a car and then give angkong a ride.

when i was about to walk inside my uncle’s place, this scene caught my attention:

wow cockfighting! boyet, my cousin, told me that these roosters are his and they don’t really fight, they just play. i watched them do their thing for about 10 mins and then went up to the house to eat lunch.

this made me salivate. i was told that this mouth-watering palabok was made by an aunt. it was delicious but i can’t eat as much as i want to. diet restrictions due to my condition. damn. 😦

these are “binuntis na palaka” but don’t ask me who made them pregnant 🙂     

i almost lost my appetite when i saw this menu on the table and an aunt told me that i couldn’t go back to makati unless i eat one. i chose the smallest one and chewed it with my eyes close while holding a glass of water. the frog was deep fried and the body was stuffed with ground frog meat, potatoes, onions and red bell pepper. you have to dip it to a vinegar concoction before eating. it taste good but please don’t make me eat one again.

 

thank God! this roasted chicken gave me a sign of relief. what a joy! he he he

they call this “lumpiang sariwa” and my mom was the one who cooked it.vegetables!!!!

after lunch, i went for a walk at the back of the house and surveyed the road going to the small creek. i remembered angkong, i can almost hear his footsteps touching the old leaves, his voice telling me to hurry up, his stories on how much he bought the 14-hectare farm and his plans for it.

now that his 14 children are about to go for the partition of the land which is their common property/inheritance, i began to wonder, what it will look like after that. will it stay the same? what will happen to the trees? i heard some of my aunts and uncles, most of them in california, are planning to sell their shares and they already have buyers. i can almost hear angkong cursing them. strangers will be entering our family’s sanctuary. i felt sad about these thoughts.

i decided not to go to the creek and just go back to my uncle’s place using the other path, exploring the other side of the farm and then i stumbled into this beautiful flower

mom said this is called “birds of paradise” and it made me smile. back then, this place was “paradise” for angkong, ahma and the rest of the family. this was where the family stays after the Sunday worship service, they go here to celebrate birthdays, christmas, new year’s eve, wedding anniversaries, or just plain family get-together. this was the place where angkong built most of his dreams for his children and grand children. dad said angkong has been dreaming of having a farm so when he bought this place he was extremely proud and excited. he spent most of his time here—cultivating the land, making it as productive as possible.

when we were about to leave the place, i gave uncle carling a big, tight hug and then i surveyed the place one last time. i plan to come back soon and take more pictures, go to the creek and reminisce, try climbing a tree, or just roll over the green grass. i know angkong is watching over there….in the clouds….looking at his family….sending his love..

i wiped my tears and then rode my CRV with a smile.

    

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july 21, 2007

morning: had my urinalysis and glucose tolerance test at SLMC then drove to the bookstore to meet my son. we need to get the harry potter 7 book that i’ve reserved for him and he just can’t contained his joy when he finally got his copy.

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the book has 36 chapters plus an epilogue. i scanned the pages of the book and found this interesting note just before the title page: “death is but crossing the world, as friends do the seas; they live in one another still. For they must needs be present, that love and live in that which is omnipresent. In this divine glass, they see face to face and their converse is free, as well as pure. This is the comfort of friends, that though they may be said to die, yet their friendship and society are, in the best sense, ever present, because immortal” – by William Penn, More Fruits of Solitude.

afternoon: had lunch at california pizza kitchen, trinoma mall before visiting the henlin site. i’m positive that we would be able to meet the target opening date. bought some personal stuff then we met up with my daughter. had dinner with the kids and then went back home exhausted. my legs and knees are aching. 😦

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at this moment: i was about to sleep and i whispered a prayer, thanking God for the gift of the day, for the gift of life, for the gift of children. and then i realized, how easy it is for me to thank God for the good things but finding it difficult to thank Him for the not so good things. is it because the not so good things are causing me great and long term inconveniences? and then i just remembered what He said in Psalm 118:29, “Give thanks to the Lord for He is good”. and then something snapped within me, “there’s grace in accepting the inconveniences of life”. i may not be able to see it now but i know there’s grace, there are blessings somewhere, and these inconveniences are within His plan for me.

my life may not be working out the way i planned it to be and its getting difficult everyday but tonight (or is it morning already?) i, surprisingly, thanked Him for the blessings of the inconveniences in my life. i shouldn’t be afraid, He is in control, He is holding me.

He is with me in this journey! and that’s one great blessing already! 🙂

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In God’s Hands

I looked at your face I saw that all the love had died
I saw that we had forgotten to take the time
I, I saw that you couldn’t care less about what you do
Couldn’t care less about the lies
You couldn’t find the time to cry

We forgot about love
We forgot about faith
We forgot about trust
We forgot about us

Now our love’s floating out the window
Our love’s floating out the back door
Our love’s floating up in the sky in heaven
Where it began back in God’s hands

You said that you had said all that you had to say
You said baby it’s the end of the day
And we gave a lot but it wasn’t enough
We got so tired that we just gave up

We didn’t respect it
We went and neglected it
We didn’t deserve it
But I never expected this

Our love floated out the window
Our love floated out the back door
Our love floated up in the sky to heaven
It’s part of a plan
It’s back in God’s hands
Back in God’s hands

It didn’t last
It’s a thing of the past
Oh we didn’t understand
Just what we had
Oh I want it back
Just what we had
Oh I want it back
Oh just what we had

             in God’s hands/nelly furtado

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the greatest advice

My good friend Lian sent me this epistle. 

THE GREATEST ADVICE -Rick Warren,
the Purpose Driven Life

Don’t date because you are desperate.
Don’t marry because you are miserable.
Don’t have kids because you think your genes are superior.
Don’t philander because you think you are irresistible.

Don’t associate with people you can’t trust.
Don’t cheat. Don’t lie. Don’t pretend.
Don’t dictate because you are smarter.
Don’t demand because you are stronger.

Don’t sleep around because you think you are old enough & know better.
Don’t hurt your kids because loving them is harder.
Don’t sell yourself, your family, or your ideals.
Don’t stagnate!

Don’t regress.
Don’t live in the past. Time can’t bring anything or anyone back.
Don’t put your life on hold for possibly Ms. Right.
Don’t throw your life away on absolutely Ms. Wrong because your
biological clock is ticking.

Learn a new skill.
Find a new friend.
Start a new career.
Sometimes, there is no race to be won, only a price to be paid for some of life’s more hasty decisions.

To terminate your loneliness, reach out to the homeless.
To feed your nurturing instincts, care for the needy.
To fulfill your parenting fantasies, get a puppy.
Don’t bring another life into this world for all the wrong reasons.

To make yourself happy, pursue your passions & be the best of what you can be.
Simplify your life. Take away the clutter.
Get rid of destructive elements: abusive friends, nasty habits, and
dangerous liaisons.
Don’t abandon your responsibilities but don’t overdose on duty.

Don’t live life recklessly without thought and feeling for your family.
Be true to yourself.
Don’t commit when you are not ready.
Don’t keep others waiting needlessly.

Go on that trip. Don’t postpone it.
Say those words. Don’t let the moment pass.
Do what you have to, even at society’s scorn.

Write poetry.
Love Deeply.
Walk barefoot.
Dance with wild abandon.
Cry at the movies.

Take care of yourself. Don’t wait for someone to take care of you.
You light up your life.
You drive yourself to your destination.
No one completes you – except YOU.

It isn’t true that life does not get easier with age.
It only gets more challenging.
Don’t be afraid. Don’t lose your capacity to love.
Pursue your passions.

Live your dreams.
Don’t lose faith in God.
Don’t grow old. Just grow YOU!

When you give someone your time, you are giving them a portion of your life that you’ll never get back.
Your time is your life. That is why the greatest gift you can give to
someone is your time.
Relationships take time and effort, and the best way to spell love is
T-I-M-E because the essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves

God is good all the time!

and this is her……Lian!!! (hey! thanks for the friendship, for being so open minded and for listening to my “insane” thoughts. you take care. God bless!)

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bookworm

I had my flu shot and ECG this morning and then met up with Uncle Peping. He treated me for lunch. I then went to Powerbooks and bought the following:

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John Grisham is one of my favorite authors and I have a collection of his works. This latest offering called “The Innocent Man” was his first non-fiction novel, a true story of a murder and injustice in a small town. It’s the story of a guy named Ron Williamson, how he was arrested and charged for a crime he didn’t commit.  His case was mishandled and he was sentenced to death. The novel was described by Boston Globe as a”crafted legal thriller every bit as suspenseful and fast-paced as Grisham’s best-selling fiction”

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I’ve read this book of Mitch Albom I think three (3) years ago and someone borrowed my copy and failed to return it back. I’ve been wanting to read the book again so I bought another copy.

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This is Neil Gaiman’s first book of short stories. The book is called “Smoke and Mirrors”. The description at the back of the book says: “His imagination and supreme artistry transform a mundane world into a place of terrible wonders. In this extra ordinary collection of short works by a master prestidigitator, it will surely dazzle your senses, touch your heart and haunt your dreams”. (I’ve read Stardust and Neverwhere and they were simply awesome!)

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My first encounter with Nicholas Sparks was the book “A Walk To Remember”, (yes the Mandy Moore movie) and he’s definitely a brilliant chronicler of love and romance. My second book of Sparks was “The Notebook” and the love story of Ally and Noah did inspire me. In this book called “The Wedding”,  the story evolves around a wife who fell out of love with her husband because the latter was unable to express his true feelings for her. When their daughter was about to get married, the wife was already thinking of leaving him. And then the man realized that his love for his wife has grown over the years which gave him the determination to do anything to save their marriage and to make his wife fall in love with him all over again. (I think I’ll get some pointers from this book. he he he)

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brokenman to betterman

time is 2:10 pm. just woke up. my head still aches and my stomach feels awful. good afternoon to me!

the pain in my back has lessen. thank God. but i’m back to my wheel chair. 😦

i’m alone again. wheeled myself out of my room to my small pantry, checked the fridge for food and found some bottles of san mig light and left over foods. i lost my appetite.

on my way to the sofa bed, i saw a pack of marlboro lights on the side table. i was tempted to puff a stick then remembered the last time i tried smoking, i think that was in high school. contrary to what i’ve expected, i didn’t feel the “relaxing, therapeutic effect” and curiousity had me hospitalized for 1 week due to asthma.

i wheeled myself near the window and saw the gloomy sky. i’m sure it will rain later. how i wish i could go down and feel it falling on me. maybe it could wash whatever gloomy and negative emotions i am having right now. 

the rain reminds me of her. i’m trying not to think of it but my efforts are in vain. and i dont want to be a hypocrite. yes, i do miss her so much. and the thought that i may not be able to see her again, talk to her again, even for the last time is crushing me. but i’m trying to live one day at a time, accepting the realities little by little and making some baby steps. i’m moving on to the next phase, picking up the pieces and trying to be happy.

tomorrow, i’ll have my flu shot so as to protect me against the influenza virus. but my doctor told me that the flu shot doesn’t guarantee that i will not get the flu although if i do get a flu, it will likely to be less severed. good grief 😦

aside from the flu shot, i have to undergo ct scan (to determine the improbability of chemobrain), ecg, lft, 2d-echo and of course, cbc and they need to check my sperm count. i hope the list ends there. i really don’t feel comfortable undergoing all these.

i then realized how chemotherapy, like cancer, has changed my life. it has redefined the “me” now, it has turned my life upside down and i was thinking, had it made me a better person? a frequently asked question nowadays is “iniwan ka ba kasi may cancer ka?” and my answer is, no. my physical condition has nothing to do with the break up.

chemo sessions are over for now and i want to think that i’m on my way to remission. i desperately wanted to have a new lease on life and start living it the way that i should be—not afraid to face the uncertainties of life, enjoy living with my loved ones, be brave enough to fight for what is right, focus on what will make me happy and most importantly, live a life that is pleasing to His sight. i believe it’s not too late to change and be a better man.

just like what He promised in Philippians 1:6, i want to claim that “He who has began a good work in me, would be faithful to complete it”

still……a work in progress…..from brokenman to betterman

the journey is just beginning!
 

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in awful pain

had my spinal tap today and it was awfully painful. yeah, a local anesthesia was applied but still its painful.i have a headache right now. i hope this won’t last until tomorrow or else i’ll be in trouble.

God, please help me get through this.

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