i just got home from my check-up and i’m so exhausted. adding up to the exhaustion are my credit card statements, wifi bill, water bill, electric bill and some other things that need “financial” attention. i got them all when i arrived home. and so now, i felt like retreating to the comfort of angkong’s farm and stay there forever.
i had my blood taken for cbc then spent the rest of the morning at the stress test unit of SLMC. in order to determine my body’s response to stress, my cardiologist put me on treadmill cardiac stress testing. i got weary at first because i still find it difficult to walk but i don’t really have a choice. so i walked and walked and walked putting most of my remaining strength on the machine. after the test, my shirt was soaking wet with perspiration but i felt really good. whew!
after lunch, i met up with my psychotherapist for the regular counseling. (yes i’m a psycho he he he). i can still remember our last session and we’ve talked about my pains and depression. before, i used to think that since i’ve already accepted my present situation, i don’t necessarily need a regular psychotherapy but my oncologist told me that these sessions will greatly help me in coping up with the disease. i’m beginning to see that now. today’s session was quite interesting because we’ve talked about my future plans and my fears.
next stop is the PET or Positron Emission Tomography Center for the results of my PET test. i can still remember that day when i had my PETs (before and after my chemo), the nurse injected into my body a substance called FDG, a sugar-based chemical, and i thought i was going to vomit and explode (silly thought he he he). my body was then scanned with a high resolution devise to determine the metabolism as well as the presence of diseases on the different internal organs and tissues of my body. i had my usual apprehensions when my oncologist told me about the PET but i was assured that the test is non-invasive and that the total radiation is really very small. my last PET was actually to determine whether the cancer was transmitted or it has metastasized to other parts of my body.
my last stop was at the oncologist’s clinic. for the nth time, i was again reminded that my leukemia (AML) is potentially curable but then only a small percentage of AML patients are cured with current therapies. since i’m done with the initial induction therapy or chemotherapy, aimed at inducing remission, i was told to be positive and “obedient” so that remission can come. remission would mean i’m ready to move on to the next phase of my treatment which is consolidation therapy. the goal of this phase is to eliminate any residual undetectable disease and achieve a cure. in a sense, i’m looking at this treatment cycle: induction, then consolidation and finally, maintenance therapy.
of course, my oncologist pointed out that complete remission does not mean that the disease has been cured but rather it means no disease can be detected with the available diagnostic methods. and most importantly, i was advised that remission will miserably fail without consolidation therapy. what will happen if i don’t get a remission? the next step is stem cell transplant and aggressive chemotherapy.
so, how am i taking all these? i’m hurting, i’m feeling down, but i still believe that He is in control and that there are blessings “hidden” within these tribulations. i do cry a lot especially at night but i’ve accepted that this is His will in my life and that He won’t give me something that i can’t bear. i also know that He understands me, that i’m only human, and times like this will come. i’m hurting, crying, fighting, coping but trusting Him.
right now, my soul is tired and weary but i know my Messiah is here with me and He will heal me….in His time! Thy will be done Lord! Thy will be done!