Archive for Hulyo, 2007

ache

Isn’t it strange the way things can change
The life that you lead turned on its head
Suddenly someone means more than you felt before
Her house and its yard turns into home

I’m sorry but I meant to say
many things along the way
so this one’s for you

Have I told you I ache
Have I told you I ache
Have I told you I ache for you?

Have I told you I ache
Have I told you I ache and I hope its not too late
Have I told you I ache, can I hold you and ache for you?

The time that it took writing words for my book
seems to have broken in half
The gate that i shut last time i got hurt
seems to have opened itself

Oh the world its spinning now its trying to catch me up
and tell me to appreciate the here and now

I’m sorry but i meant to say
many things along the way
so this one’s for you

Have I told you I ache
Have I told you I ache
Have I told you I ache for you?

Have I told you I ache
Have I told you I ache, and I hope its not too late
Have I told you I ache, can I hold you and ache for you?

                                     -ache/james carrington

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mind talking

lazy feeling. heavy thoughts. weary mind. tired soul. creepy imagination.

melancholic emotions. rain drops falling. loud thunderstorm.

dreaming of hawaiian pizza. feeling my aching knees.

counting spider webs. can’t decide whether to call or not call.

drinking green tea. my back at my yellow pillow. resting my aching body.

looking at the mms of her photo on my mobile. feeling very tired.

can’t stop thinking of “what might have been’s and what if’s”.

what will happen now? when will this end?

i don’t think it will.

oh well……let’s see about that……tomorrow

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quote 101

“….love leaves a powerful mark; not a scar, no visible sign….to have been loved so deeply, even though the person who loved is gone, will give us some protection forever…”

           -albus dumbledore/harry potter & the sorcerer’s stone, page 299

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a time for everything

Everything that happens in this world happens at the time God chooses. He sets the time for birth and the time for death; the time for planting and the time for pulling up; the time for killing and the time for healing; the time for tearing down and the time for building;

He sets the time for sorrow and the time for joy; the time for mourning and the time for dancing; the time for making love and the time for not making love; the time for kissing and the time for not kissing;

He sets the time for finding and the time for losing; the time for saving and the time for throwing away; the time for tearing and the time for mending; the time for silence and the time for talk;

He sets the time for love and the time for hate; the time for war and the time for peace.

                                                                                           -Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

so when is the time for us? when can i be with you? when can i see myself in your eyes? when is the right time? when will the time come? i just want to see you and be with you….one last time.

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thank you Lou!

i didn’t know that through blogging i would be able to meet people who will deeply care for me, who will pray for me and who will lift my spirit up and encourage me to go on with my battle. it was a blessing to have found here at wordpress a support group for people with leukemia. i’ve learned a lot from their blogs, their sharings and online advise. it has given me a sense of belonging and it was a source of strength and inspiration.

today when i opened my email, i got an alert from imeem.com. a friend has sent me a message. and i was so moved when i read her piece. i’ve decided to put a copy of her letter here not for my own self-gratification, but as as sign of my deep appreciation for her concern and for being a friend. Thank you so much Lou. I hope you won’t get mad at me because i published your letter here. God bless you.

“July 26, 2007

 

Hello my dear imeem friends,

In our busy and stressful lives, imeem is really one great escapade…listening to music, meeting new friends, sharing common interests, exchanging funny/ sweet comments, expressing deep sentiments etc..etc..etc…

Most of us doesnt know each other personally…but it doesnt matter to me, because i believe most of us here in imeem are passionate , hopeless romantic music lovers,and kindhearted individuals and i find it comfortable to share with you guys some inner thoughts that i have lately…

I have been blog hopping lately, i find it so interesting… until one day i bumped into one blogsite which captured my sentiments and emotions…fortunately the blog owner of this site is an imeem member and has no friend in his profile. I was deeply touched with his blogs/posts that i requested him to add me to his network. I read his blogs all the time…and jus like him, i also have a lot of trials and tribultions in life…but gosh…he made a difference in my life…I was inspired and felt truly blessed for not going through what he is having right now…

and for this matter i would like to reach out to you guys…Please visit his website to know him more (brokenman.wordpress.com)… I hope that in our own little way we can make a little difference in his life and also in our lives…
maybe we can add him to our friendslist?
maybe we can be really friends with him?
maybe we can include him in our prayers?
maybe we can communicate with him even thru e-power?
maybe giving him a little thought that somewhere…somehow…there are people like us no matter how busy, stressed and imeem addicts we are…
yet, we sympathize with him, we feel his agony, who understands his situation, who wishes the best for him? what do you think my friends? just a thought…

anyways, my apologies for being so emote today…bawi ako sa susunod…

lou /
a.k.a. NYNAVI

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ai de fang yan

i often think of writing you in a poem, yet fear you will not understand for my thoughts are as careless as my penmanship and often pressed between the words a mispelled character or two. since the poem is beyond comprehension having more ravings, like those uttered in sleep makes no difference include then the dialect of love completely into the composition

                      –dialect of love/james na

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healing at my Messiah’s time

i just got home from my check-up and i’m so exhausted. adding up to the exhaustion are my credit card statements, wifi bill, water bill, electric bill and some other things that need “financial” attention. i got them all when i arrived home. and so now, i felt like retreating to the comfort of angkong’s farm and stay there forever. 

i had my blood taken for cbc then spent the rest of the morning at the stress test unit of SLMC. in order to determine my body’s response to stress, my cardiologist put me on treadmill cardiac stress testing. i got weary at first because i still find it difficult to walk but i don’t really have a choice. so i walked and walked and walked putting most of my remaining strength on the machine. after the test, my shirt was soaking wet with perspiration but i felt really good. whew!

after lunch, i met up with my psychotherapist for the regular counseling. (yes i’m a psycho he he he).  i can still remember our last session and we’ve talked about my pains and depression. before, i used to think that since i’ve already accepted my present situation, i don’t necessarily need a regular psychotherapy but my oncologist told me that these sessions will greatly help me in coping up with the disease. i’m beginning to see that now. today’s session was quite interesting because we’ve talked about my future plans and my fears.

next stop is the PET or Positron Emission Tomography Center for the results of my PET test. i can still remember that day when i had my PETs (before and after my chemo), the nurse injected into my body a substance called FDG, a sugar-based chemical, and i thought i was going to vomit and explode (silly thought he he he). my body was then scanned with a high resolution devise to determine the metabolism as well as the presence of diseases on the different internal organs and tissues of my body. i had my usual apprehensions when my oncologist told me about the PET but i was assured that the test is non-invasive and that the total radiation is really very small. my last PET was actually to determine whether the cancer was transmitted or it has metastasized to other parts of my body.

my last stop was at the oncologist’s clinic. for the nth time, i was again reminded that my leukemia (AML) is potentially curable but then only a small percentage of AML patients are cured with current therapies. since i’m done with the initial induction therapy or chemotherapy, aimed at inducing remission, i was told to be positive and “obedient” so that remission can come. remission would mean i’m ready to move on to the next phase of my treatment which is consolidation therapy. the goal of this phase is to eliminate any residual undetectable disease and achieve a cure. in a sense, i’m looking at this treatment cycle: induction, then consolidation and finally, maintenance therapy.

of course, my oncologist pointed out that complete remission does not mean that the disease has been cured but rather it means no disease can be detected with the available diagnostic methods. and most importantly, i was advised that remission will miserably fail without consolidation therapy. what will happen if i don’t get a remission? the next step is stem cell transplant and aggressive chemotherapy.

so, how am i taking all these? i’m hurting, i’m feeling down, but i still believe that He is in control and that there are blessings “hidden” within these tribulations. i do cry a lot especially at night but i’ve accepted that this is His will in my life and that He won’t give me something that i can’t bear. i also know that He understands me, that i’m only human, and times like this will come. i’m hurting, crying, fighting, coping but trusting Him.

right now, my soul is tired and weary but i know my Messiah is here with me and He will heal me….in His time! Thy will be done Lord! Thy will be done!

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