brokenman to betterman

time is 2:10 pm. just woke up. my head still aches and my stomach feels awful. good afternoon to me!

the pain in my back has lessen. thank God. but i’m back to my wheel chair. 😦

i’m alone again. wheeled myself out of my room to my small pantry, checked the fridge for food and found some bottles of san mig light and left over foods. i lost my appetite.

on my way to the sofa bed, i saw a pack of marlboro lights on the side table. i was tempted to puff a stick then remembered the last time i tried smoking, i think that was in high school. contrary to what i’ve expected, i didn’t feel the “relaxing, therapeutic effect” and curiousity had me hospitalized for 1 week due to asthma.

i wheeled myself near the window and saw the gloomy sky. i’m sure it will rain later. how i wish i could go down and feel it falling on me. maybe it could wash whatever gloomy and negative emotions i am having right now. 

the rain reminds me of her. i’m trying not to think of it but my efforts are in vain. and i dont want to be a hypocrite. yes, i do miss her so much. and the thought that i may not be able to see her again, talk to her again, even for the last time is crushing me. but i’m trying to live one day at a time, accepting the realities little by little and making some baby steps. i’m moving on to the next phase, picking up the pieces and trying to be happy.

tomorrow, i’ll have my flu shot so as to protect me against the influenza virus. but my doctor told me that the flu shot doesn’t guarantee that i will not get the flu although if i do get a flu, it will likely to be less severed. good grief 😦

aside from the flu shot, i have to undergo ct scan (to determine the improbability of chemobrain), ecg, lft, 2d-echo and of course, cbc and they need to check my sperm count. i hope the list ends there. i really don’t feel comfortable undergoing all these.

i then realized how chemotherapy, like cancer, has changed my life. it has redefined the “me” now, it has turned my life upside down and i was thinking, had it made me a better person? a frequently asked question nowadays is “iniwan ka ba kasi may cancer ka?” and my answer is, no. my physical condition has nothing to do with the break up.

chemo sessions are over for now and i want to think that i’m on my way to remission. i desperately wanted to have a new lease on life and start living it the way that i should be—not afraid to face the uncertainties of life, enjoy living with my loved ones, be brave enough to fight for what is right, focus on what will make me happy and most importantly, live a life that is pleasing to His sight. i believe it’s not too late to change and be a better man.

just like what He promised in Philippians 1:6, i want to claim that “He who has began a good work in me, would be faithful to complete it”

still……a work in progress…..from brokenman to betterman

the journey is just beginning!


5 Tugon so far »

  1. 1

    melai said,

    you know what? I am learning from u 🙂 .. keep it up betterman 🙂

  2. 2

    lanie said,

    cuz, pinaiyak ako ng blog mo. go on with the journey. we are here for you. we love you. shucks talagang naiiyak pa ako hanggang ngayon.

  3. 3

    kat said,

    you really write well kuya. i’ve read almost all your entries and i’m happy that i’ve known someone like you. i pray that you have your remission. continue to be positive about life. i know you can make it. unang kita ko pala sa yo my impression is you are a good person and di ako nagkamali. God bless. see you soon. take care po.

  4. 4

    badoodles said,

    way to go dude. still waiting for one more week before i get my flu shots. doc said my last year’s shot might still be ‘alive’ so we have to wait for exactly one year. the flu shot [plus pneumonia and hepa shots – hehe, a little paranoid] improved my immune system a lot esp i easily get colds and flu.

  5. 5

    brokenman said,

    @melai, salamat sa pagvisit. kumusta ka na?

    @lanie, naku sensya na. di ko sinasadyang magpaiyak. gusto mo wet tissue?

    @kat, thank you sa pagvisit sa blog kog.kumusta na?

    @badoodles, kumusta yung flu shot mo? ako din nag-hepa vaccine.

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