Archive for Agosto, 2007

the same wish

i was looking at the sky last night hoping it could somehow calm my weary soul but the sky, just like my heart, was gloomy with some dark clouds. 

and then i think i saw a star twinkled and i made a wish……..

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star light, star bright, first star i see tonight

wish i may, wish i might,

please grant my wish tonight

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same wish

same person

same thing

but hopefully, not the same pain

 

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special two no more (?)

I’ve hardly been outside my room in days,
’cause I don’t feel that I deserve the sunshine’s rays.
The darkness helped until the whiskey wore away,
And it was then I realize the conscience never fades.
When you’re young you have this image of your life:
That you’ll be scrupulous and one day even make a wife.
And you make boundaries you’d never dream to cross,
And if you happen to you wake completely lost.
But I will fight for you, be sure that
I will fight until we’re the special two once again.

And we will only need each other, we’ll bleed together,
Our hands will not be taught to hold another’s,
When we’re the special two.
And we could only see each other, we’ll bleed together,
These arms will not be taught to need another,
‘Cause we were the special two.

I remember someone old once said to me:
“That lies will lock you up with truth the only key.”
But I was comfortable and warm inside my shell,
And couldn’t see this place would soon become my hell.
So is it better to tell and hurt or lie to save their face?
Well I guess the answer is don’t do it in the first place.
I know I’m not deserving of your trust from you right now,
But if by chance you change your mind you know I will not let you down
’cause we were the special two, and we’ll be again.

And we will only need each other, we’ll bleed together,
Our hands will not be taught to hold another’s,
When we’re the special two.
And we can only see each other we’ll breathe together,
These arms will not be taught to need another…
’cause we’re the special two.

I step outside my mind’s eye’s for a minute.
And I look over me like a doctor looking for disease,
Or something that could ease the pain.
But nothing cures the hurt you, you bring on by yourself,
Just remembering, just remembering how we were…

When we would only need each other, we’d bleed together,
Our hands would not be taught to hold another’s,
We were the special two.
And we could only see each other, we’d bleed together,
These arms would not be taught to need another,
‘Cause we’re the special two.

the special two/missy higgins

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just can’t

Here I am playing with those memories again
And just when I thought time had set me free
Those thoughts of you keep haunting me

Holding you, a feeling I never outgrew
Though each and every part of me has tried
Only you can fill that space inside

So there’s no sense pretending
My heart it’s not mending 

Just when I thought I was over you
And just when I thought I could stand on my own
Oh, baby those memories come crashing through
And I just can’t go on without you

On my own I’ve tried to make the best of it alone
I’ve done everything I can to ease the pain
But only you can stop the rain

I just can’t live without you
I miss everything about you 

Just when I thought I was over you
And just when I thought I could stand on my own
Oh baby those memories come crashing through
And I just can’t go on without
Go on without
It’s just no good without you

Without you, without you, without you
Oh baby, those memories come crashing through
And I just can’t go on without, you

                        here i am/air supply
  
 

Comments (8) »

burp equation

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muffins from kenny rogers  +

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 fruit salad  =

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happy man 🙂

great lunch!

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just say it

I’m holdin’ on
To your pictures on my telephone
And I know that I should let you go
But it’s hard to break away

I ask around
And I wonder what your doin’ now
But I hear that you’ve been goin’ out
A little more these days

But I can’t lie that I think from time to time, how your doin’
But don’t hang up is what I really meant to say

Everything’s wrong
And nothing’s goin’ right
Just know that i’m not hard to find

So just say the word
And i’ll race to you tonight                                                                                                                   
And i’ll be right there by your side

Holdin’ on…

Remember when
You were further then you’d ever been
And I think about it now and then
It takes me to that place

When I pretend
That i’m better then i’ve ever been
Well at least that what I tell my friends
“Cause I can’t show my face

I can’t lie that I think from time to time, how you were
But don’t hang up, ’cause what i really meant to say…

Everythings wrong
And nothing’s goin’ right
Just know that i’m not hard to find
So just say the word and i’ll race to you tonight
And i’ll be right there by your side

It’s hard enough to believe in somethin’
More than just pretend
Just because we both know it’s over
We can still be friends

Yeah…

Everythings wrong
And nothing’s goin’ right
Just know that i’m not hard to find

So just say the word
And i’ll race to you tonight
And i’ll be right there by your side

I’ll be right there by your side
Oh, i’d be right there by your side…..

                             just say the word/josh kelley

just say it…i’ll come running

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birthday blues

Woke up with body spasms. I can’t move my knees and my back was like glued to my bed. The pain was all over me. So, i took a pain reliever and waited for comfort but after a few minutes i found myself crawling straight to the lavatory. I was throwing up. i stayed in my bathroom for i think 30 minutes feeling so stupid. What a way to start my morning!

I then sat on my lazy couch, in the middle of my messy room, feeling so awful about everything. I’m alone again. I want to cry but I’ve been crying for 2 days straight now and for the first time I felt that I’m getting tired of it. I need to pack my wet tissues for now.

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Next Saturday is my “30plus” birthday and I still don’t know how to spend it. A few weeks ago, I’ve actually asked someone for dinner and she said yes, but just recently she shut her world on me, telling me she doesn’t want to see me nor talk to me anymore, so obviously, that date is off.  Well, my Mom told me that she would prefer that I celebrate it with our relatives this Sunday in Bulacan so at least that plan is still on. Another option is the EB of the WordPress Pinoy Bloggers but there’s no definite plan on that yet (or maybe I just need to check my emails, there may be updates already), was also contemplating on a simple dinner with my mom, sisters, my kids and some close friends somewhere in Greenbelt, or maybe spend it with my kids at Timezone. I was actually thinking of something “big” for myself on this birthday because with my condition, we’ll never know, it might be my last 😦

I wonder why my body will automatically feel “depress and gloomy” everytime it approaches my birthday week. A birthday is suppose to be a happy day, something that you have to look forward to, and I remember when I was a kid, I will get excited for months thinking of the gifts that I would be receiving from my parents and relatives. But as I grow older, I feel that I am more depressed than happy whenever my birthday approaches.

Birthday wish? Nothing material. I’m really contented with what I have right now. I just want to be “really happy” on my birthday—no trace of pain, no feeling of incompleteness, a sense of belonging, a sincere smile on my face, peace of mind, remission 🙂

Another year will be added in this so-called life of mine and I just feel so blessed that after all that I’ve been through, I’m still here, standing, living, breathing and was never out of His mercy and grace. Often times, I feel so unworthy of this great blessing because I know that I’ve never really lived my life the way pleasing to Him but nevertheless, He’s always there for me—-picking me up whenever I’m down, giving me a sense of direction everytime I lost my way and loving me more even when i have become so unlovable. I know I won’t be able to survive all my battles if not for His unconditional love for me. 

I’ll be going to Tagaytay later with some close friends and I’m hoping that the trip could somehow shake off these “birthday blues” for a while. I just want to breathe, need some fresh air, need to find myself again. I’ve been enslaved in a phase where I now believe I don’t belong. Mags, my bestfriend, is right, I should learn to love myself more.

I’m positive that things will become better soon. There may be more pains along the way but I know that He’s holding me in His arms and He will never leave me.  Just like that song of Barry Manilow that says “…..as sure as I’m standing here you’ll never have to be afraid”…I know He’s there and I just need to be still and wait on Him.

Have a great loooong weekend folks!!!! 🙂 

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the reward in waiting

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But those who wait on the LORD will find their strength renewed;

They will rise on wings like eagles;

They will run and not get weary;

They will walk and not faint

Isaiah 40:31

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over cups of hot choco

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p: are you sure you don’t want a banana cake?

me: no, thanks. this is okay. had a muffin kanina eh.

p: banana is good for depression

me: yeah. so, i really look depress ha?

p: yes you are. yung eyes mo ang lungkot

me: what’s the color of your eyes ? you are still using the contact lenses from dra. jing?

p: yes. hazel brown, you like it?

me: i can’t tell the difference between hazel and light brown

p: really?

me: really

p: what’s the color of her eyes?

me: huh?

p: tell me

me: dark brown

p: you said you love her eyes

me: yeah really beautiful pair of eyes. wait, why are we talking about someone’s eyes?

p: ha ha ha. sorry

me: so what’s the color of his eyes?

p: ha ha ha. there you go. i felt it coming. black.

me: ha ha ha

p: how do you do it?

me: what?

p: laughing with sad eyes

me: i don’t know, maybe because there’s sadness within me or maybe my eyes are just meant to be sad

p: i don’t think so. well, maybe. ha ha ha

me: you have happy eyes

p: yes and they are looking at you

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on my mind

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 “i hope to lose myself for good

i hope to find it in the end

not in me, it’s you,

it’s you

it’s all i know”

you/switchfoot

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the only thing

Hey there I said it
I’m in love
With you

There’s an ocean between us
Just like me
Deep and Blue

And I, at times have had nothing
But tonight I want nothing but you
You’re the only thing I want
The only thing I want
The only thing on my mind
All the time

Staying up ’til dawn won’t take its toll
‘Til we get old
And drinking is just the way
We keep away the cold
And you, you know what it means
To be true and searching like me

You’re the only thing I need
The only thing I need
The only thing on my mind
All the time

And you gave me a reason
To give you my soul
I’ll give you it all

You’re the only one I want
The only one I need
The only one on my mind
All the time
All the time
All the time
All the time 
                           birthday song/ben lee

        

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i swear….

..tumubo ulit ang buhok ko 🙂

chemotherapy has taken a toll on my hair. at first i didn’t want to shave it even if my doctor has advised me to do so even before the start of the chemo session. (why? the reason can be found in some of my previous entries). but after the fourth cycle, there were already patches that look like holes in my head and the hair fall was enormous. i had to wear a cap most of the time. so the situation gave me no choice but to see my favorite barber and have my hair shaved.

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the result was: a man with almost shaved head, with a swollen face due to steroids and chemo, sick sleepy eyes and a skinny body. i felt so bad about it really. i don’t want to look at myself in the mirror. i used to have that “skin-head” hair style about 2 or 3 years ago but i didn’t feel bad about it. maybe because this time, i had to shave my hair not for the sake of fashion but because it was necessary.

so after the chemo sessions, Uncle Vic, who lives in Australia, sent me 3 bottles of DABAO hair grower. he told me he’s using it and it was very effective. so i did some research on the product and found out that it was formulated, tested in Holland and it’s in the market for almost 15 years now. i was kinda weary at first because i’ve never use a hair grower before but Uncle Vic assured me that the thing is safe and has no side effects.

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i actually saw that it is indeed working when i was half way through my first bottle and was happy with the results after i’ve finished my 2nd bottle. i’m no longer wearing a cap now and my hair is growing back in moderate proportion.

i’m happy that things are slowly going back to normal. i believe that remission is really on its way. i’m seeing my doctor next tuesday and my hopes are high that my prayers will be answered.

still a long way to go……the journey from brokenman to betterman is in progress……and i’m just happy that i have HIM with me every step of the way.

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dinner

enough to make me burp!!!! 🙂

Comments (4) »

letting it out

And I love you so.
The people ask me how,
How I’ve lived till now.
I tell them I don’t know

I guess they understand
How lonely life has been
But life began again
The day you took my hand

And, yes, I know how lonely life can be
The shadows follow me, and the night won’t set me free
But I don’t let the evening get me down
Now that you’re around me

And you love me, too
Your thoughts are just for me;
You set my spirit free
I’m happy that you do

The book of life is brief
And once a page is read,
All but love is dead
That is my belief

And, yes, I know how loveless life can be
The shadows follow me, and the night won’t set me free
But I don’t let the evening bring me down
Now that you’re around me

And I love you so
The people ask me how,
How I’ve lived till now
I tell them, “i don’t know.”

            and i love you so/don mclean

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is it regression?

i thought i’m doing good. i’ve decided to move on. i’ve started to get myself out of my “sadness” shell. i’m starting to meet new people, focusing on my medication, finding myself again, making some baby steps, learning to live one day at a time, telling myself i’ll get use to it, that i’ll be okay, that sooner or later i’ll forget about her and missing her will be history, that the pain will soon go away…..and then all of a sudden…………….BOOM!!!

so we are talking again….planning to see each other….talk and fix things (that’s what she said)……the urge to be with her is back

i think this is called regression….i think i’m moving backward….going back…..looking back….

question: is moving on doesn’t mean going back? but the past is part of the present and the foundation of the future isn’t it? what if there’s something in the past that you think you can still fix in the present, is fixing that thing means going back? is getting rid of “what ifs” a big “n0 no” when you are moving on?

i better get myself out of this confusion fast….i want to be happy….i deserve to be happy……and i have to do something that will make me happy

oh well…..that would be a great thought for tonight….i better sleep now…..i just know that there’s nothing that will happen to me that HE and I can’t handle 🙂

HE is the great lover……HE will definitely tell me what to do and this “love” problem will be over soon! 🙂

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tagged twice

i was tagged twice so finally i’m giving in….read at your own risk 🙂

all about food

q: what is your salad dressing of choice? a: thousand island

q: what are your favorite fast food restos? a: mcdonald’s, tokyo-tokyo, wendy’s, taco bell

q: what is your favorite fine dining resto? a: yaku japanese resto 🙂  max’s, crustasia, california pizza kitchen

q: how generous are you in giving tips? a: an average tipper

q: what food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of it? a: hmmm…spam, roasted chicken, raisin bread, bic mac

q: what do you like to put on your toast? a: orange marmalade and butter

q: what is your typical breakfast? a: oatmeal, toast, turkey bacon, orange juice, banana

all about biology

q: are you right-handed or left-handed? a: left-handed

q: have you ever had anything removed from your body? a: appendix and foreskin 🙂

q: what is the last heavy item you lifted? a: side table in my room

q: how long is your “twang” when erected? a: hmmm. i don’t measure it…better ask my ex’s (wink!) i think its about 7 inches

all about bullcrapology

q: if you could change your name what would you change it to? a: i like my name

q: what color do you think looks best in you? a: green i think

q: have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake? a: yes

all about dareology

q: would you kiss a member of the same sex for P10M? a: wow 10m! french kiss? ha ha ha

q: would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for P50M? a: hmmm…no

q: would you pose naked in a magazine for P100M? a: wow sure!:)

q: would you drink a big bottle of hot sauce for P50M? a: sure

all about dumbology

q: what is in your left pocket? a: wearing boxers; no pocket

q: do you have hardwood or carpet in your pad? a: carpet

q: at present, how many pairs of flip do you own? a: 8 pairs

q: what is your first ambition? a: to become a pilot and join the Philippine Air Force

q: do you masturbate while taking a shower? a: no, i sing in the shower

all about lastology

q: person you’ve talked to on the phone? a: pia

q: last person who called you? a: pia

q: last person you hugged? a: my mom

q: last person on your mind? a: ex gf

all about favorites

q: number? a: 7

q: season? a: winter

q: soda drink? a: coca cola

q: burger? a: big mac and bacon mushroom melt

q: street food? a: orange egg, fishball, barbeque (from UP diliman)

q: books? a: john grisham novels

q: colors? a: blue, green, black, brown

q: carbonara or tomato sauce? a: tomato sauce

q: abs-cbn or gma? a: err….ahh…..cartoon network 🙂

all about currentology

q: missing someone? a: yes soooooooooooo much 😦

q: mood? a: confused

q: listening to? a: ai mei by rainie yang

q: watching? a: tv is not open

q: worrying about? a: lot of things

all about randomlogy

q: first place you went this morning? a: bathroom

q: what can you not wait to do? a: dinner date on my birthday 🙂

q: what’s the last movie you saw on dvd? a: blood diamond

q: do you smile often? a: lately, yes

q: from the scale of 1-10, rate your sex appeal? a: 6 (and i’m being modest)

q:  do you sleep naked? a: sometimes

q: your current crush? a: that girl who will be doing marimar, marian rivera (hope i get the name right he he he)

q: magazine you are currently reading? a: FHM august edition

q: what are you wearing at this moment? a: a white L.A. Lakers’s ando and a blue boxers

q: will you be alone in your bed? a: yes 😦 sad sad sad

i tag whoever wants to be tagged

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