birthday blues

Woke up with body spasms. I can’t move my knees and my back was like glued to my bed. The pain was all over me. So, i took a pain reliever and waited for comfort but after a few minutes i found myself crawling straight to the lavatory. I was throwing up. i stayed in my bathroom for i think 30 minutes feeling so stupid. What a way to start my morning!

I then sat on my lazy couch, in the middle of my messy room, feeling so awful about everything. I’m alone again. I want to cry but I’ve been crying for 2 days straight now and for the first time I felt that I’m getting tired of it. I need to pack my wet tissues for now.

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Next Saturday is my “30plus” birthday and I still don’t know how to spend it. A few weeks ago, I’ve actually asked someone for dinner and she said yes, but just recently she shut her world on me, telling me she doesn’t want to see me nor talk to me anymore, so obviously, that date is off.  Well, my Mom told me that she would prefer that I celebrate it with our relatives this Sunday in Bulacan so at least that plan is still on. Another option is the EB of the WordPress Pinoy Bloggers but there’s no definite plan on that yet (or maybe I just need to check my emails, there may be updates already), was also contemplating on a simple dinner with my mom, sisters, my kids and some close friends somewhere in Greenbelt, or maybe spend it with my kids at Timezone. I was actually thinking of something “big” for myself on this birthday because with my condition, we’ll never know, it might be my last 😦

I wonder why my body will automatically feel “depress and gloomy” everytime it approaches my birthday week. A birthday is suppose to be a happy day, something that you have to look forward to, and I remember when I was a kid, I will get excited for months thinking of the gifts that I would be receiving from my parents and relatives. But as I grow older, I feel that I am more depressed than happy whenever my birthday approaches.

Birthday wish? Nothing material. I’m really contented with what I have right now. I just want to be “really happy” on my birthday—no trace of pain, no feeling of incompleteness, a sense of belonging, a sincere smile on my face, peace of mind, remission 🙂

Another year will be added in this so-called life of mine and I just feel so blessed that after all that I’ve been through, I’m still here, standing, living, breathing and was never out of His mercy and grace. Often times, I feel so unworthy of this great blessing because I know that I’ve never really lived my life the way pleasing to Him but nevertheless, He’s always there for me—-picking me up whenever I’m down, giving me a sense of direction everytime I lost my way and loving me more even when i have become so unlovable. I know I won’t be able to survive all my battles if not for His unconditional love for me. 

I’ll be going to Tagaytay later with some close friends and I’m hoping that the trip could somehow shake off these “birthday blues” for a while. I just want to breathe, need some fresh air, need to find myself again. I’ve been enslaved in a phase where I now believe I don’t belong. Mags, my bestfriend, is right, I should learn to love myself more.

I’m positive that things will become better soon. There may be more pains along the way but I know that He’s holding me in His arms and He will never leave me.  Just like that song of Barry Manilow that says “…..as sure as I’m standing here you’ll never have to be afraid”…I know He’s there and I just need to be still and wait on Him.

Have a great loooong weekend folks!!!! 🙂 

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17 Tugon so far »

  1. 1

    dec said,

    ay ano ba yan cuz ang messy ng room mo. lol! nagpapicture ka pa ha para lang sa blog ang cute. miss u. take care. advfance happy birthday!

  2. 2

    lou said,

    ooopppss… di ko napansin yung mess kasi titig na titig ako sa ka wafuhan ni lex hi..hi..
    ADVANCE HAPPY BERTDEY MAH PREN…stay wafu ol da taym…give yourself a breyk k? sending all our love n best wishes on your bertdey!

    lou n family

  3. 3

    trish said,

    do u need someone to help you sa pag clean ng room mo? i’m volunteering. lol. gwapo mo talaga my forever boyish gwapito crush. take care.

  4. 4

    vincent said,

    nak ng tupa gwaping! he he he. ngayon ko lang nakita na magulo kwarto mo ah.kelan ang heineken day? text mo ko ha.

  5. 5

    MARU said,

    hay naku lex, kung ka-date ang kelangan mo sa birthday mo… josko, andito lang ako noh! siempre pag birthday eh ikaw ang taya sa food kaya kung nangangailangan ka pa ng ililibre sa birthday mo sana isa ako sa imbitahin mo. hahaha! sensya na at feeling close ako.

    gawin natin masaya ang birthday mo. kahit sintunado ako kakantahan kita pero sa isang kundisyon – kelangan magpakain ka. masaya ang taong busog eh. napaghahalata akong matakaw. hehehe! nways, advance happy birthday, ka-wordpress lex. 😀 mwah!

  6. 6

    janna said,

    hi. i’m free on september 1. ehem. lol. if you want some company, you know my number. you take care lex. God bless. Advance happy birthday! 🙂

  7. 7

    bettina said,

    and why are you not asking me out? i know you want to 🙂 single ka na ulit di ba? unless that pia girl is the new gf? call me ok or sige ka i’ll call you and you know what will happen pag ako ang tumawag. lol. manakot daw ba? i miss you lex.

  8. 8

    kengkay said,

    hi lex – tuloy ang WP pinoy EB sa sept 1, dami mong choices for your bday bash. am sure you’ll have a great time. show some photos in tagaytay, miss ko na yang place na yan e! happy birthday, tough guy 🙂

  9. 9

    brokenman said,

    dec, hi cuz. oo nga ang messy. siguro itong week i’ll ask mommy to send in yung maid para magpalinis. how are you na? miss talking to you.

    lou, thank you so much sa greetings. God bless. regards sa husband mo at sa mga kids.

    trish, ah…err…sigurado ka? 🙂 thanks

    pareng enteng aka vincent, kumusta na? salamat sa pagvisit sa blog ko. kita ko dami mong comment. try natin yung paulaner? he he he

    maru, hey, wow! nagblush ako sa comment mo. i made a comment doon sa isang naughty na entry sa blog mo. hope to meet you soon. thanks sa birthday greetings. 🙂

    janna, hey, so magaling ka na ba? sun ang number na nasa akin. yun pa rin ba? may signal ba yun kahit gabi? joke 🙂 thanks sa pagbati at sa pagvisit sa blog ko. God bless.

    bettina, hey madam! 🙂 opps…..ako na lang tatawag. he he he. thanks sa pagvisit at sa comment dito sa blog ko.

    kengkay, thanks for that info. saan ba ang EB? oo nga eh daming choices pero di pa ako makadecide. i will post some tagaytay pics sa mga susunod na entry. di ako nakakakuha ng maraming pics due to bad weather. thanks sa pagbati. i’m really happy na you visited my page, when i saw your name sabi ko “wow si kengkay sa WP Pinoy nagcomment sa blog ko WOW!” . that’s something! God bless.

  10. 10

    pao said,

    aww, don’t feel so bad. at least you still have a family who loves you. it’s a good way to spend a birthday as any. 🙂 advanced happy birthday to you.

  11. 11

    brokenman said,

    thanks pao. add na ba kita sa blogroll? ang organized ng blog mo. you take care. God bless.

  12. 12

    pong said,

    pagaling ka dude. kita kits na lang. advance happy birthday.

  13. 13

    Salve said,

    i wish you happiness, kasi malungkot ka. pag nagbi-birthday yata you always na para kang nasa crossroad. may mga moments na ganun. ganun ako dati, pero naisip ko why should i be sad? the world is unfair and i can’t change that, i can’t change the minds of other people. i just have to deal with that.
    try to find happiness in the little things. i’m sure meron kang makikita sa mga yun. cheer up, it’s your birthday. 🙂

  14. 14

    Ano ba yan Lex? Para namang bodega…LOLZ!

  15. 15

    Advance happy bday pala dyan!!!!nanuod ako ng Lovely Day last Sat, I remembered you when I saw her..haaayyy!

  16. 16

    pao said,

    sure! na-add na rin kita sa links page ko. 🙂

  17. 17

    brokenman said,

    @pao, thanks sa pagbati. God bless. regards sa husband mo. nasa blogroll na kita and salamat sa pag-link sa akin 🙂

    @pong, dude, kumusta? nasa manila ka na o tacloban pa rin? salamat sa pagbati

    @salve, hey, thanks sa birthday greetings. God bless.

    @ting, oo nga, kakahiya 😦 ang messy. ah talaga. thanks for supporting her show. God bless.


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