Archive for Setyembre, 2007

menu for today

i got my new “2-week meal plan” yesterday and i’m really not happy with it. i actually made a “slight” protest but i realized that you couldn’t just argue with a dietitian and an oncologist. oh well, bon appetit! (and goodluck to me as well)

breakfast for today was a bowl of kashi organic breakfast cereal (crispy rice, wheat flakes, dried strawberries and raspberries) w/nestle fresh milk and a slice of papaya. lunch was even more “appetizing” as i had a glass of ensure and a banana. 

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dinner will be a bowl of oatmeal (unsalted/unsweetened), a glass of sugar beets juice, a grapefruit and a small size pear.

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i know, i know, these are all “healthy stuffs” and i’m not questioning that. i just felt bad because it seems like the timing was not right.  In my previous meal plan, which was for 1 month, i was allowed to have small servings of fish, chicken, beef and rice. I’m actually enjoying it and i feel like i’m a “normal” guy again. But well, with the new meal plan, the “carnivore” in me has to take the backseat for the meantime.

I was talking to a friend a while ago and I told him my dilemma. And he suggested that I just “eat with my mind”.  “Dude, pag kakainin mo na yung gulay o di mo type yung prutas, isipin mo na lang fried chicken o bulalo yun. Sarap di ba?” 

Hmmm….makes sense to me 🙂

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a little more time

woke up with a “strange cold feeling” all over me and it took a while before i realized that i was lying in the cold floor of my bathroom, with wet boxers, a shirt soiled with dry blood and with aching joints. i passed out again. my nose bled again. and the frequencies of these episodes are quite alarming.

i crawled back to my bed, unable to think of what to do. should i call my mom? not a good idea, i’ll just make her worry more. or call my doctor? its too early to disturb him. i tried going back to sleep but i simply can’t. then i saw my Bible on top of the side table. how stupid of me to have forgotten Him. i know i can call on Him anytime and He’ll be there to listen, to comfort me and to answer me. so there, i closed my eyes and prayed.

Lord,  I’m sorry for not calling on you immediately. I forgot. And i feel so unworthy. After all that You’ve done for me, how can i be so careless and so mistrusting. Lord, when the doctor told me that remission will or may not come at the time we are expecting it and that we need to repeat the treatment, i know You’ve read my mind and You’ve felt the sadness in my heart. You know the endless questions within me, the sadness, the grief, the pain and the agony. i know i’ve told You before that i will accept Your will in my life, because this life is Yours and You know what’s the best for me. but i guess, those words are easier said than done. You know my heart Lord, i still trust you and i still believe that You are in control but sometimes this feeling of not wanting to accept will come to me and the questions in my mind just wouldn’t stop coming. as the dates for my “extensive” chemotherapy are getting nearer, Lord, i want to tell you that i’m scared, i couldn’t stop thinking of what will happen to me during those times. what will happen if i still didn’t get the remission. will i consent to another treatment like bone marrow transplant or mylotarg? can i still handle it? i know You will be there for me just like what You did during my induction chemo but Lord, please teach me to trust you more and not be afraid. i’m tired of being afraid, tired of being in pain, tired of crying. Lord, i feel that i’m getting weaker and weaker every day and i know hiding the real thing from people that matters to me, thinking that i would be able to protect them from pain, was so wrong. i know its a stupid thing, but i feel that they’ve worried about me too much that i’m more like a burden than a blessing to them. everytime i feel the pain, the weakness in my body, everytime i see the blood coming out of my nostrils, everytime i think of my family, my young kids and the people that matters a lot to me, i can’t help but feel bad for my inadequacies. there’s so much that i want to do for them, but i feel like time is against me. i remember that moment when my nose bled and everything went blurred, i called on You, and asked you to please not take me yet and You’ve heard me and answered me affirmatively. would it be too much to ask for more time again, Lord?  just a little more time please?

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my desktop

kengkay tagged me. so here goes……..

My Desktop Free View Instruction:

A. Upon receiving this tag, immediately perform a screen capture of your desktop. It is best that no icons be deleted before the screen capture so as to add to the element of fun.

You can do a screen capture by:

[1] Going to your desktop and pressing the Print Scrn key (located on the right side of the F12 key).

[2] Open a graphics program (like Picture Manager, Paint, or Photoshop) and do a Paste (CTRL + V).

[3] If you wish, you can “edit” the image, before saving it.

For MAC users: Press [ Apple] [ Ctrl ] [ Shift ] and [ 3 ]

B. Post the picture in your blog. You can also give a short explanation on the look of your desktop just below it if you want. You can explain why you preferred such look or why is it full of icons. Things like that.

C. Tag five of your friends and ask them to give you a Free View of their desktop as well.

D. Add your name to this list of Free Viewers with a link pointing directly to your Desktop Free View post to promote it to succeeding participants.

iRonnie

bluepanjeet

pao

AZRAEL

jeangr3y

kengkay

brokenman

 so this is how my desktop looks like:   

-i normally change my desktop image twice a month

– my favorite color is green

-i hide my icons/shortcuts ‘coz i want the desktop to look “clean”

-there’s something about this picture of bamboos that relaxes my weary spirit 🙂

-i got this photo from the windows vista wallpaper collection

tagging anyone who wants to be tagged 🙂

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candy thought v.2

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current state of mind

tsan tsah. yow chow. towh pin. swee rwoh.

God, woh shwee yaw ni teh pang mang. yaw ni teh pang mang.

woh hen siang nian mi. ban kiyah.

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salamat po

for a “neophyte” blogger like me this really means a LOT!!!

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gusto

Parang bitin pa rin kahit anong gawin
Hindi pa rin makuntento hindi pa rin
Hinahanap-hanap ka hanggang ngayon sinta
Hindi pa rin masanay-sanay sa pag-iisa

Gusto kong marinig ang boses mo
Gusto kong halikan ang labi mo
Gusto kitang yakapin hanggang umaga
Gusto kong marinig ang buhay mo
Gusto kong halikan ang puso mo
Gusto kitang kasama hanggang may umaga

Tanong mo sa akin ano pa bang aking gusto?
Ano pa bang di nakukuha ano pa ba?
Sagot ko naman sayo wala na nga akong gusto
Kundi paulit-ulit ulit na ganito

Gusto kong marinig ang boses mo
Gusto kong halikan ang labi mo
Gusto kitang yakapin hanggang umaga
Gusto kong marinig ang buhay mo
Gusto kong halikan ang puso mo
Gusto kitang kasama hanggang may umaga

                         gusto/jolina magdangal

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