woke up with a “strange cold feeling” all over me and it took a while before i realized that i was lying in the cold floor of my bathroom, with wet boxers, a shirt soiled with dry blood and with aching joints. i passed out again. my nose bled again. and the frequencies of these episodes are quite alarming.
i crawled back to my bed, unable to think of what to do. should i call my mom? not a good idea, i’ll just make her worry more. or call my doctor? its too early to disturb him. i tried going back to sleep but i simply can’t. then i saw my Bible on top of the side table. how stupid of me to have forgotten Him. i know i can call on Him anytime and He’ll be there to listen, to comfort me and to answer me. so there, i closed my eyes and prayed.
Lord, I’m sorry for not calling on you immediately. I forgot. And i feel so unworthy. After all that You’ve done for me, how can i be so careless and so mistrusting. Lord, when the doctor told me that remission will or may not come at the time we are expecting it and that we need to repeat the treatment, i know You’ve read my mind and You’ve felt the sadness in my heart. You know the endless questions within me, the sadness, the grief, the pain and the agony. i know i’ve told You before that i will accept Your will in my life, because this life is Yours and You know what’s the best for me. but i guess, those words are easier said than done. You know my heart Lord, i still trust you and i still believe that You are in control but sometimes this feeling of not wanting to accept will come to me and the questions in my mind just wouldn’t stop coming. as the dates for my “extensive” chemotherapy are getting nearer, Lord, i want to tell you that i’m scared, i couldn’t stop thinking of what will happen to me during those times. what will happen if i still didn’t get the remission. will i consent to another treatment like bone marrow transplant or mylotarg? can i still handle it? i know You will be there for me just like what You did during my induction chemo but Lord, please teach me to trust you more and not be afraid. i’m tired of being afraid, tired of being in pain, tired of crying. Lord, i feel that i’m getting weaker and weaker every day and i know hiding the real thing from people that matters to me, thinking that i would be able to protect them from pain, was so wrong. i know its a stupid thing, but i feel that they’ve worried about me too much that i’m more like a burden than a blessing to them. everytime i feel the pain, the weakness in my body, everytime i see the blood coming out of my nostrils, everytime i think of my family, my young kids and the people that matters a lot to me, i can’t help but feel bad for my inadequacies. there’s so much that i want to do for them, but i feel like time is against me. i remember that moment when my nose bled and everything went blurred, i called on You, and asked you to please not take me yet and You’ve heard me and answered me affirmatively. would it be too much to ask for more time again, Lord? just a little more time please?