a little more time

woke up with a “strange cold feeling” all over me and it took a while before i realized that i was lying in the cold floor of my bathroom, with wet boxers, a shirt soiled with dry blood and with aching joints. i passed out again. my nose bled again. and the frequencies of these episodes are quite alarming.

i crawled back to my bed, unable to think of what to do. should i call my mom? not a good idea, i’ll just make her worry more. or call my doctor? its too early to disturb him. i tried going back to sleep but i simply can’t. then i saw my Bible on top of the side table. how stupid of me to have forgotten Him. i know i can call on Him anytime and He’ll be there to listen, to comfort me and to answer me. so there, i closed my eyes and prayed.

Lord,  I’m sorry for not calling on you immediately. I forgot. And i feel so unworthy. After all that You’ve done for me, how can i be so careless and so mistrusting. Lord, when the doctor told me that remission will or may not come at the time we are expecting it and that we need to repeat the treatment, i know You’ve read my mind and You’ve felt the sadness in my heart. You know the endless questions within me, the sadness, the grief, the pain and the agony. i know i’ve told You before that i will accept Your will in my life, because this life is Yours and You know what’s the best for me. but i guess, those words are easier said than done. You know my heart Lord, i still trust you and i still believe that You are in control but sometimes this feeling of not wanting to accept will come to me and the questions in my mind just wouldn’t stop coming. as the dates for my “extensive” chemotherapy are getting nearer, Lord, i want to tell you that i’m scared, i couldn’t stop thinking of what will happen to me during those times. what will happen if i still didn’t get the remission. will i consent to another treatment like bone marrow transplant or mylotarg? can i still handle it? i know You will be there for me just like what You did during my induction chemo but Lord, please teach me to trust you more and not be afraid. i’m tired of being afraid, tired of being in pain, tired of crying. Lord, i feel that i’m getting weaker and weaker every day and i know hiding the real thing from people that matters to me, thinking that i would be able to protect them from pain, was so wrong. i know its a stupid thing, but i feel that they’ve worried about me too much that i’m more like a burden than a blessing to them. everytime i feel the pain, the weakness in my body, everytime i see the blood coming out of my nostrils, everytime i think of my family, my young kids and the people that matters a lot to me, i can’t help but feel bad for my inadequacies. there’s so much that i want to do for them, but i feel like time is against me. i remember that moment when my nose bled and everything went blurred, i called on You, and asked you to please not take me yet and You’ve heard me and answered me affirmatively. would it be too much to ask for more time again, Lord?  just a little more time please?


23 Tugon so far »

  1. 1

    dec said,

    ano ba yan cuz? sad naman. i’m praying for you. don’t ever think na you are a burden ok? you are not. love yah! i’m always here for you.

  2. 2

    etzhel said,

    Allow God to take care of you Cutie… Opening yourself to life’s blessings is indeed scary.
    But we could make each day beautiful by taking & living it with God’s grace a day at a time. Continue saving that dream for me 😉

  3. 3

    lanie said,

    be brave little one 🙂 kaya yan ok? ang dami namin na nagmamahal sa iyo and our prayers are always with you. God bless. Pa-hug nga.

  4. 4

    jude said,

    kasama mo kami sa prayer na yan dude. wag bibitiw.God bless bro.

  5. 5

    brath said,

    God is always there to give you lots of chances, dont worry…


  6. 6

    pao said,

    *hugs* God is a God of miracles. nothing is impossible for him. i’ll pray for you din. take care.

  7. 7

    JeanGrey said,

    Ano ba yan… naiyak naman ako sa entry mo na to… di tayo magkakilala pero alam mo… naging ugali ko na kahit nung bata pa ako na every xmas, marami akong gusto pero pumipili ako ng “isa” lang sa pinakagusto kong matupad… at lahat yun natutupad… and today mas gusto ko pang i-give up lahat ng nasa wishlist ko for someone who is very special. And that is You.

    Always believe in HIM! Don’t lose hope ok…? Maraming nagdadasal for you so cheer up! 😀

  8. 8

    carol said,

    dude, how are you now? i can’t stop crying. grabe gusto ko nga mag-take ng first flight bukas pabalik ng manila so i could be with you. when is the start of your chemo? just like the last time, rest assured na nandoon kami to keep you company. i know its quite tough for you lalo na with the condition of your dad and yei’s accident, but God is always there, you are so right lex, He is in control. be strong and don’t give up. love you my friend. i will always be here for you.

  9. 9

    fran said,

    hang in there okay. don’t lose hope. cacai is looking forward of meeting up with you this december so don’t you dare give up on her. magagalit ako 🙂 my prayers are always with u. God bless.

  10. 10

    Jovi said,

    Labteam, just hang in there, ok? Pray for strength… You’re stronger than you think… Basta laban lang… And don’t forget, you still owe me ice cream… 😛

  11. 11

    jayzanne said,

    I was told never to read sad blogs… but I can’t help reading your blog. I know how hard going through all this. But I know God will never leave you. Just hang in there bro! Don’t give up. I’ll be praying for your fast recovery

  12. 12

    Banana said,

    Hey bro, God is good, all the time! Lav yah! 😀

  13. 13

    ricky said,

    kaya yan bro. dasal lang palagi. ingat.

  14. 14

    steph said,

    don’t lose hope. fight fight. 🙂

  15. 15

    chuvaness said,

    “For I will restore health to you and heal you of your wounds,” says the Lord. (Jeremiah 30:17)

    Keep the faith bro!

  16. 16

    lou said,

    lex mah friend,

    again, we’ll always pray for you and your loved ones that you may overcome all these trials facing you right now…wag susuko kaibigan…

  17. 17

    pinky said,

    wag kang mawalan ng pag-asa. i know nahihirapan ka na pero lagi mong isipin na di ka naman iiwan ni God at di nya yan ibibigay sa iyo kung di mo naman makakaya. at tama na ang kakaisip ng mga pangit na bagay at pangit na tao na rin. hay naku, isa pa yan sa nakakadagdag eh yang pag eemote mo. believe me, walang mabuting maidudulot yan. focus ka na muna sa medication mo dahil yun ang mas importante. and i’m so sure ang tamang babae will come along or dumating na? ehem 🙂 God bless my friend.

  18. 18

    kengkay said,

    lex, just keep your faith in Him and to yourself..

  19. 19

    brokenman said,

    @dec, salamat cuz.

    @etz, i will..i am 🙂

    @lanie, salamat. pa-hug din 🙂

    @jude, salamat sa support dude.

    @brath, salamat po 🙂

    @pao, salamat sa hug at sa prayers

    @jean grey, wow! naiyak ako sa comment mo. bless your heart. i can’t believe that a “stranger” would give up her wish list for someone like me. thank you so much. God bless you 🙂

    @carol, thank u!i know naman na you are always there for me. thank u so much

    @fran, i’m keeping my promise. thanks for taking care of cacai. take care always. pls hug and kiss her for me.

    @jovi, my hottie labteam, don’t worry i’m keeping that promise..kakain tayo ng madaming ice cream

    @jayzanne, salamat sa prayers. God bless you and congrats sa baby 🙂

    @banana, lav yah din 🙂

    @ricky, salamat sa pagbisita? kumusta na?

    @steph, thanks. i am doing the fight fight 🙂

    @chuvanes, amen to that. keeping the faith 🙂

    @lou, salamat sa prayers kaibigan. regards sa family mo

    @pinky, salamat at di ka high blood sa comment mo 🙂 no, seriously, thank u sa support at sa prayers

    @kengkay, salamat. i am 🙂

  20. 20

    jhing said,

    dont lose hope.. I know god is always there for you. no matter wat happen. Sabi nga sa BIBLE ” Mark 11:24″ The Lord said Whatever u ask in prayer, Believed that you received it and it will be yours.

    God bless you..

  21. 21

    Kit Casares said,

    hi lex, we are praying for you … just always remember, no leaf of a tree will move unless it is the will of God… GOD BLESS YOU…

  22. 22

    resty said,

    Keep the unwavering faith. You will be well. Just hang in there and continue believing.

    God Bless You.

  23. 23

    […] found brokenman’s blog while reading Pao’s. And while reading his entry called a little more time, I found myself trying to control my tears from rolling down my cheeks. The entry’s just so […]

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