counting the days

five more days and i’m back to “treatment mode”.

how do i feel about it? let me count the ways:

  • sad, because of so many failed expectations

  • weary, because i’m going back to the hospital, contraptions will be attached to my frail body, i will be trapped in the hospital bed, and the worst part is undergoing 6 cycles of chemo all over again

  • anxious, because of the so many negative thoughts in my mind (its not easy to shake them off)

  • thankful, because God is giving me another chance; because i know He will provide my financial, emotional and material needs during the treatment

  • trusting, because i know He will never leave me nor forsake me and even if it is so difficult to say “thy will be done” i trust that He knows what’s best for me and that He will be with me every step of the way

  • hopeful, because someone told me she’ll visit me at the hospital  🙂

  • happy, because every day i see and feel His great love for me

  • scared, because i already knew how it feels like being “treated”

i still have fever and this has been going on for 3 days now. for a “leukemic” a recurring fever would only mean infection. my doctor ordered my “private nurse” to increase the dosage of  antibiotics (flagyl and cefepine) and to get blood from me twice.

my knees are aching now and i feel very tired. my appetite is still down and i don’t know if its because of the meal plan or anxiety. i just had 2 glasses of ensure this day (one for breakfast and one for lunch; just had a banana and a glass of water for dinner).

i might undergo radiation i was told and that thought is scaring the shit out of me.  😦

“Lord, help me to trust you more, help me to be ready for all these. My life is in Your hands. I may not be able to understand Your plans for me at the moment, but i know that what You want is for me to trust You completely. I am here Lord, do Your will on me”.

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24 Tugon so far »

  1. 1

    kengkay said,

    hi der pader 😀 nakikiraan lang…wak ka na malungkot. may bibisita pala sa yo e, hmmm. sino kaya yon?

  2. 2

    Jovi said,

    L.T., saying that your extensive chemo won’t be a walk in the park is definitely the understatement of the year. ‘Di ba you told me how difficult it’s gonna be? And you’re right, the most important thing that you can do now is to surrender everything to Him and I know He’ll give you the strength that you will need. I believe na hindi ka Niya bibigyan ng hindi mo kaya. I know you’ll get through this and you’ll get well…

  3. 3

    etzhel said,

    Keep that faith C 😉 For He ;
    *always answers prayers His way,
    *can be simple,if u need to look at life beautifully in most difficult times,
    *can be tender, if u need an embrace,(He summoned ‘us’ to be His proxy in d meantime u aint got any choice :P)
    *can be wise,if u need answers to endless questions (need we refresh ur memry bout d birds & d bees?? hmmmmm hehe)
    *can be firm, if u badly need some spanking,(whips & chains baby! oops wrong mental pic :D)
    *can be terribly awesome!, if u need a miracle,
    ( w/c Im certain He’d bless u & ur family w/ 🙂 )
    *can be painfully quiet, if He wants u to trust Him w/ all ur heart.(enjoy silent bliss & try to listen to His plans for us, errr this is d part where demons shd be cast out o’me LOL!)
    Believe…He will surely meet u where u are & He will be what u want Him to be & let Him love u right there 😉 He knows about it more than u do…
    Smile for me C :)(siomai ko ha, salamat nga pala sa calling card na binigay mo ha, kaya lang bat may logo ng babaeng naka-shhh? :P)

  4. 4

    vincent said,

    malapit na pala dude. sana di masyadong mahigpit yung mga nurses this time. nung dati, bad trip eh, di pa ako nakakaupo, pinalabas na ako. buti na lang flawless yung nurse na yun. wakanga. kaya mo yan dude. walang sukuan, walang iwanan. God bless. putsa dude gusto kong umiyak 😦

  5. 5

    dec said,

    i love you my dear kuya.your faith will see you through. God bless. i’m here always.

  6. 6

    Ambo said,

    Don’t worry bro, we’re here to pray for your speedy recovery. Just keep your faith in the Lord.

  7. 7

    jing said,

    be brave papa lex. i know you can make it. please fight ha. i’m praying for you. God bless.

  8. 8

    jude said,

    don’t let go dude. madami kami na nagpe-pray at mag-pe-pray sa iyo.

    sa mga readers po ng blog na ito, may mass po for lex San Lorenzo Ruiz Minor Basilica Church, Plaza Lorenzo Ruiz Binondo Manila, Saturday, October 6 @ 5:30pm. Thanks.

    God bless dude.

  9. 9

    martie said,

    gagaling ka cuz and the first step is to believe that you will. praying for you. God bless.

  10. 10

    fred said,

    our Lord is the great healer at hindi ka nya pababayaan. ang dami namin na nag-o-offer ng prayers for you. God bless kuya.

  11. 11

    junanteola said,

    kinaya mo noon, kakayanin mo ngayon. let’s pray your way to healing, Lex! 🙂

  12. 12

    pinky said,

    basta wag ka lang brattinelo at masungit siguradong gagaling ka. wag kasing pasaway eh 🙂
    sumunod sa doctor at magtiwalang gagaling ka. i believe in you my dear alam ko na kaya mo yan. at sino naman yang ine-expect mo na mag-vi-visit sa yo aber? can you read my mind? 🙂 kuha mo ba ang iniisip ko? kung siya yun, wag ka nang umasa lex, di yun pupunta, please tama na, wag ka na magpa-uto. dali, read my mind ulit..nabasa mo na? 🙂 yan sigurado ako she’ll be there for you and i’m so sure na magiging masaya ka sa kanya. deal? God bless my friend.

  13. 13

    lou said,

    lex,
    My littleone just had her successful procedure (cardiac cath) yesterday thanks God…
    It was called off twice a couple of months ago, and everytime she has difficulty of breathing the anxiety and stress i have was overwhelming.
    I could imagine how you feel right now …Tibayan mo pa ang loob at pananalig lex…di ka nag-iisa…iba iba lang tayo ng pagsubok na pinagdadaanan.I know God is so good…love you my friend…Ingats lage ha?
    Godbless…

  14. 14

    MARU said,

    pagaling ka, bro. malapit na ang pasko eh mamamasko pa naman ako sau. 😀

  15. 15

    pia said,

    i’m always here tsi! i know you will be healed. God bless. hugs!

  16. 16

    tara said,

    i love you kuya lex.get well soon.i miss you. God bless.

  17. 17

    jude said,

    readers/friends, another mass for lex will be at the San Sebastian Church, Plaza Del Carmen, Quiapo Manila, October 5/Friday @ 6pm. thanks.

    pagaling ka dude. God bless.

  18. 18

    earthlotus said,

    awts..

    pagaling ka, kailangang gumaling ka. (isa iyong utos)

    marami pang tao ang gusto kang makasama at makilala ng lubusan, labanan mo! alam ko namang yakang-yaka mo yan..

    just always have faith in God, andyan lang Sya lagi sa tabi.. wag kang mawalan ng pag-asa.

    I’ll pray for you too.

  19. 19

    brokenman said,

    @ friends, thank you so much sa mga encouraging words, sa prayers, sa mass for me, sa concern, sa pagmamahal, sa pagbisita sa blog ko, sa pag comment…words are not enough to express the joy within my heart. God bless all of you. lumalakas ang loob ko dahil sa inyo. maraming salamat po.

  20. 20

    bebe said,

    bloghop!

    don’t lose hope and keep on being positive! goodluck and godbless! 🙂

  21. 21

    […] Lex, who’ll be admitted to the hospital on Monday (October 8), we’ll be praying for […]

  22. 22

    Jon Cabron said,

    pagaling ka pre’ magkukulitan pa tayong lahat sa forum..

  23. 23

    Kit Casares said,

    Hi lex, i would just like to hug you … and to let you know i admire your courage and faith. In this world we live in now, a lot of people are losing hope because of a lot of bad things we have but reading your blogs and feeling your love for life, I am now more than ever convinced the world is not so bad after all … you helped strengthen my faith and hope for my two kids who I will be sending off to the world in a few years from now. You will be in our prayers… God Bless!!

  24. 24

    yongski said,

    “hopeful, because someone told me she’ll visit me at the hospital :)” = sino to dude? ex mo? malabo yata pre, wag ka na umaasa, pag magaling ka na, isama kita sa mga gimik, tiyak makikita mo ex mo. ang pangit ng pinalit sa iyo he he he.


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