Archive for chronicles

my choice

yesterday……. i had my contrasted CT scan in the morning (to determine if i have secondary infection causing the recent fever spikes), another round of chemo during the night, was throwing up, had difficulty sleeping and drank almost two liters of water. whew!

and today…….i woke up feeling some aches and pains in my lower back and i threw up twice already. but i definitely feel a lot better and I’m looking forward to an hour session with my psychotherapist. i’ll also have my ECG later and the usual drawing of blood.

the past few days…..my spirit is actually down and weary. i feel very tired. this continued treatment is starting to drain my positive energy. and oftentimes i feel like i’m just going with the flow without that much conviction. yes,  i’m still praying and holding on to my faith but my being human is taking its toll on me.

a while ago i was scanning/reading some passages from the Bible and this verse caught my attention:

“I am now giving you the choice between life and death, between God’s blessings and God’s curse and I call heaven and earth to witness the choice you make. Choose Life”

                                                            Deuteronomy 30:19

wow! what a perfect verse for me. all of sudden i felt like a comforting hand has touched my head–giving me enough boost to go on with my treatment.

so here i am with my choice: i choose life. i choose to fight. i choose to go on with this journey. i choose to be a betterman.

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birthday blues

Woke up with body spasms. I can’t move my knees and my back was like glued to my bed. The pain was all over me. So, i took a pain reliever and waited for comfort but after a few minutes i found myself crawling straight to the lavatory. I was throwing up. i stayed in my bathroom for i think 30 minutes feeling so stupid. What a way to start my morning!

I then sat on my lazy couch, in the middle of my messy room, feeling so awful about everything. I’m alone again. I want to cry but I’ve been crying for 2 days straight now and for the first time I felt that I’m getting tired of it. I need to pack my wet tissues for now.

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Next Saturday is my “30plus” birthday and I still don’t know how to spend it. A few weeks ago, I’ve actually asked someone for dinner and she said yes, but just recently she shut her world on me, telling me she doesn’t want to see me nor talk to me anymore, so obviously, that date is off.  Well, my Mom told me that she would prefer that I celebrate it with our relatives this Sunday in Bulacan so at least that plan is still on. Another option is the EB of the WordPress Pinoy Bloggers but there’s no definite plan on that yet (or maybe I just need to check my emails, there may be updates already), was also contemplating on a simple dinner with my mom, sisters, my kids and some close friends somewhere in Greenbelt, or maybe spend it with my kids at Timezone. I was actually thinking of something “big” for myself on this birthday because with my condition, we’ll never know, it might be my last 😦

I wonder why my body will automatically feel “depress and gloomy” everytime it approaches my birthday week. A birthday is suppose to be a happy day, something that you have to look forward to, and I remember when I was a kid, I will get excited for months thinking of the gifts that I would be receiving from my parents and relatives. But as I grow older, I feel that I am more depressed than happy whenever my birthday approaches.

Birthday wish? Nothing material. I’m really contented with what I have right now. I just want to be “really happy” on my birthday—no trace of pain, no feeling of incompleteness, a sense of belonging, a sincere smile on my face, peace of mind, remission 🙂

Another year will be added in this so-called life of mine and I just feel so blessed that after all that I’ve been through, I’m still here, standing, living, breathing and was never out of His mercy and grace. Often times, I feel so unworthy of this great blessing because I know that I’ve never really lived my life the way pleasing to Him but nevertheless, He’s always there for me—-picking me up whenever I’m down, giving me a sense of direction everytime I lost my way and loving me more even when i have become so unlovable. I know I won’t be able to survive all my battles if not for His unconditional love for me. 

I’ll be going to Tagaytay later with some close friends and I’m hoping that the trip could somehow shake off these “birthday blues” for a while. I just want to breathe, need some fresh air, need to find myself again. I’ve been enslaved in a phase where I now believe I don’t belong. Mags, my bestfriend, is right, I should learn to love myself more.

I’m positive that things will become better soon. There may be more pains along the way but I know that He’s holding me in His arms and He will never leave me.  Just like that song of Barry Manilow that says “…..as sure as I’m standing here you’ll never have to be afraid”…I know He’s there and I just need to be still and wait on Him.

Have a great loooong weekend folks!!!! 🙂 

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july 21, 2007

morning: had my urinalysis and glucose tolerance test at SLMC then drove to the bookstore to meet my son. we need to get the harry potter 7 book that i’ve reserved for him and he just can’t contained his joy when he finally got his copy.

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the book has 36 chapters plus an epilogue. i scanned the pages of the book and found this interesting note just before the title page: “death is but crossing the world, as friends do the seas; they live in one another still. For they must needs be present, that love and live in that which is omnipresent. In this divine glass, they see face to face and their converse is free, as well as pure. This is the comfort of friends, that though they may be said to die, yet their friendship and society are, in the best sense, ever present, because immortal” – by William Penn, More Fruits of Solitude.

afternoon: had lunch at california pizza kitchen, trinoma mall before visiting the henlin site. i’m positive that we would be able to meet the target opening date. bought some personal stuff then we met up with my daughter. had dinner with the kids and then went back home exhausted. my legs and knees are aching. 😦

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at this moment: i was about to sleep and i whispered a prayer, thanking God for the gift of the day, for the gift of life, for the gift of children. and then i realized, how easy it is for me to thank God for the good things but finding it difficult to thank Him for the not so good things. is it because the not so good things are causing me great and long term inconveniences? and then i just remembered what He said in Psalm 118:29, “Give thanks to the Lord for He is good”. and then something snapped within me, “there’s grace in accepting the inconveniences of life”. i may not be able to see it now but i know there’s grace, there are blessings somewhere, and these inconveniences are within His plan for me.

my life may not be working out the way i planned it to be and its getting difficult everyday but tonight (or is it morning already?) i, surprisingly, thanked Him for the blessings of the inconveniences in my life. i shouldn’t be afraid, He is in control, He is holding me.

He is with me in this journey! and that’s one great blessing already! 🙂

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i got mail

oem.jpg  i got mail this morning——–an “official election mail” from the department of elections, san francisco, california. i  found out that my status as permanent absentee voter was cancelled because of my failure to vote in two consecutive statewide general elections and i need to reapply. my voter’s registration was not cancelled though. thank God.

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when i opened the mail, i found out that the basic information about me was already printed on the voter registration form and there’s an instruction that if there are changes i have to make the corrections in blue or black ink. the deadline for registration is 15 days before election day.

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good thing, my voter’s number is still the same:

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who’s my bet for the  2008 presidential election? hmmm…..it could be between former VP Al Gore and Sen. Hillary Clinton. (i’m a democrat! wink!)

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