Woke up with body spasms. I can’t move my knees and my back was like glued to my bed. The pain was all over me. So, i took a pain reliever and waited for comfort but after a few minutes i found myself crawling straight to the lavatory. I was throwing up. i stayed in my bathroom for i think 30 minutes feeling so stupid. What a way to start my morning!
I then sat on my lazy couch, in the middle of my messy room, feeling so awful about everything. I’m alone again. I want to cry but I’ve been crying for 2 days straight now and for the first time I felt that I’m getting tired of it. I need to pack my wet tissues for now.
Next Saturday is my “30plus” birthday and I still don’t know how to spend it. A few weeks ago, I’ve actually asked someone for dinner and she said yes, but just recently she shut her world on me, telling me she doesn’t want to see me nor talk to me anymore, so obviously, that date is off. Well, my Mom told me that she would prefer that I celebrate it with our relatives this Sunday in Bulacan so at least that plan is still on. Another option is the EB of the WordPress Pinoy Bloggers but there’s no definite plan on that yet (or maybe I just need to check my emails, there may be updates already), was also contemplating on a simple dinner with my mom, sisters, my kids and some close friends somewhere in Greenbelt, or maybe spend it with my kids at Timezone. I was actually thinking of something “big” for myself on this birthday because with my condition, we’ll never know, it might be my last 😦
I wonder why my body will automatically feel “depress and gloomy” everytime it approaches my birthday week. A birthday is suppose to be a happy day, something that you have to look forward to, and I remember when I was a kid, I will get excited for months thinking of the gifts that I would be receiving from my parents and relatives. But as I grow older, I feel that I am more depressed than happy whenever my birthday approaches.
Birthday wish? Nothing material. I’m really contented with what I have right now. I just want to be “really happy” on my birthday—no trace of pain, no feeling of incompleteness, a sense of belonging, a sincere smile on my face, peace of mind, remission 🙂
Another year will be added in this so-called life of mine and I just feel so blessed that after all that I’ve been through, I’m still here, standing, living, breathing and was never out of His mercy and grace. Often times, I feel so unworthy of this great blessing because I know that I’ve never really lived my life the way pleasing to Him but nevertheless, He’s always there for me—-picking me up whenever I’m down, giving me a sense of direction everytime I lost my way and loving me more even when i have become so unlovable. I know I won’t be able to survive all my battles if not for His unconditional love for me.
I’ll be going to Tagaytay later with some close friends and I’m hoping that the trip could somehow shake off these “birthday blues” for a while. I just want to breathe, need some fresh air, need to find myself again. I’ve been enslaved in a phase where I now believe I don’t belong. Mags, my bestfriend, is right, I should learn to love myself more.
I’m positive that things will become better soon. There may be more pains along the way but I know that He’s holding me in His arms and He will never leave me. Just like that song of Barry Manilow that says “…..as sure as I’m standing here you’ll never have to be afraid”…I know He’s there and I just need to be still and wait on Him.
Have a great loooong weekend folks!!!! 🙂