Archive for Pebrero, 2007

choice

I now knew that rebuilding a relationship from a lost trust is very difficult. It is one painful journey and one difficult task  because I have to take away every doubt that lingers in her mind. I have to make her believe in me again so she can put aside any thought that would make her doubt me.

It is indeed true that there is always a risk in getting into and being in a relationship. I know that at this time saying “i love you” is not enough anymore. Promises are broken and vows are put into test everyday. This “phase”, this “journey” is really a constant struggle, with pain and tears on the side 😦

If I choose to go on with this, carrying but a “dot of hope” in my heart, then I know I have to be ready and brace myself for more painful days ahead. And If I choose myself then I would just have to let go of the dream—the two of us getting back together and becoming “bebes” again, and then let time tell me who’s really meant for me.

I guess sometimes I just have to stop pushing myself to love or be loved by someone. I guess I need to be alone so that I would be able to think about what I really want at this point and for me to be able to realize what or who will really make me happy.

I know I have to restart loving myself. After all, real and lasting happiness starts from within.

The choice is within me now.

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a year ago

“we he he he! magtitinda po ba ako ng fruits?!thanks!sweet of you! 🙂 “

                                                             -bebe ko/2:19pm/27 feb 2006

her sms..reaction to the bags of fruits that i sent her..six days after her 30th birthday…it was a year ago…but the sms is still in my pda-phone…never fails to make me 🙂   i miss you like crazy!

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not easy

this ‘starting-all-over-again” phase is really not easy and i have to admit, it’s harder than i thought. i’ve been into a lot of pain already and i know you are too. and just like what you’ve told me, i have to work at it every day to gain your trust. i want to do it because i want you, i love you–all of you, forever, every day.

you made me smile when you told me that you’ll not gonna be stubborn anymore and that the two of us will do our share to make this thing work again…what a relief

i guess a part of me is just tired…weary…but not giving up.

i love you too much…too much…giving up is not an option.

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cold

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no more “bebe”, not even “enzo”. no more expectations. just plain talk. no hospital visits. no more exerted effort from your end. no more “i love you’s”. you are just seeing me for the sake of seeing me and not for what i thought it was. i know your heart has grown colder. and it’s freezing cold. i’m hurting. there’s fear with the thought that i won’t be able to feel the warmth of your love again.

why can’t i be cold to you? why am i still thinking of you? why am i loving you still inspite of the pain?

you can stay cold….i’ll just hug you…you can say whatever you want to say….i will listen…you can do whatever you want to do…i will be here…

you are loved….by me…for always

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made me smile

i purposely didnt send her sms from 3 straight days…(guess, i’m just too tired of being nagged, tired of the set-up, i’m missing her and text messages are too inadequate)

on the fourth day….

i sent this…”iniisip kita”

and got this reply

“i miss u po!’

made me smile..

didnt expect such reply…

i miss u too…so much…i’ve never missed anyone the way that i’m missing u

8:49pm; 03-02-2007

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i should start learning

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Put away the pictures.
Put away the memories.
I put over and over
Through my tears
I’ve held them till I’m blind
They kept my hope alive
As if somehow that I’d keep you here
Once you believed in a love forever more?
How do you leave it in a drawer?
Now here it comes, the hardest part of all
Unchain my heart that’s holding on
How do I start to live my life alone?
Guess I’m just learning,
Learning the art of letting go.

Try to say it’s over
Say the word goodbye.
But each time it catches in my throat
Your still here in me
And I can’t set you free
So I hold on to what I wanted most
Maybe someday we’ll be friend’s forever more
Wish I could open up that door

Now here it comes, the hardest part of all
Unchain my heart that’s holding on
How do I start to live my life alone?
Guess I’m just learning,
Learning the art of letting go

Watching us fade
What can I do?
But try to make it through
the pain of one more day
Without you

Where do I start, to live my life alone?
I guess I’m learning, only learning,
Learning the art of letting go.

                                   -The Art of Letting Go, Mikaela

i will always love you…you will be “here” in my heart for always. ikaw lang ang bebe ko…ikaw lang.

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start of a long week

today is the start of my pre-chemo week. i have to undergo some tests before the start of the chemo sessions. i was advised to take good care of myself, eat the right foods to build up strength and to stay away from people with colds or flu. 

i’ve also decided to visit my barber before the first session so i could have my hair shaved. a good friend told me this could save me from the agony of seeing my hair falling in shocking proportions during the course of the treatment. thanks doctor jessica! 🙂

i was told that i will initially undergo 6 sessions on combination chemo (meaning two or more drugs will be given at the same time). the doctors were very honest in telling me that the goal of my treatment is not to cure the cancer but only to control it. chemo might lessen the cancer cell’s progression and might prevent it from spreading to other vital organs and also to relieve me with the pain that goes with the disease.

since i’m just about to start with chemo, i was told that i may need to stay at the hospital for 1-2 days so that the medicine’s effects can be watched closely and any needed changes can be made. the frequency of the treatment will be once a week. i was advised though that i will be given rest periods to give my body a chance to build healthy new cells  and for me to regain my strength.

i have to admit, i’m scared. there were so many negative thoughts in my head, so many what ifs, so many questions. but then GOD made me see that this is an opportunity for HIM to show His great love for me. and all that i need to do is to simply trust Him, after all, He is control. i know He will be there for me throughout this journey and He knows what’s best for me. His plans are perfect, His ways are higher and His love endures forever.

and my heart is singing this song at the moment:

Life can be so good
Life can be so hard
Never knowing what each day
Will bring to where you are
Sometimes I forget
And sometimes I can’t see
That whatever comes my way
You’ll be with me

My life is in Your hands
My heart is in Your keeping
I’m never without hope
Not when my future is with You

My life is in Your hands
And though I may not see clearly
I will lift my voice and sing
Cause Your love does amazing things
Lord, I know, my life is in Your hands

Nothing is for sure
Nothing is for keeps
All I know is that Your love
Will live eternally
So I will find my way,
And I will find my peace
Knowing that You’ll meet my every need

My life is in Your hands
My heart is in Your keeping
I’m never without hope
Not when my future is with You

My life is in Your hands
And though I may not see clearly
I will lift my voice and sing
Cause Your love does amazing things
Lord, I know, my life is in Your hands

When I’m at my weakest point
You carry me
Then I become my strongest Lord
In Your hands

My life is in Your hands
And though I may not see clearly
I will lift my voice and sing
Cause Your love does amazing things
Lord, I know, my life is in Your hands
I trust You Lord
My life is in Your hands

                      -Kathy Troccoli, My Life is In Your Hands

Please pray for me. Thanks.

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