photo from: http://toughsledding.files.wordpress.com/2008/04/trust.jpg
Archive for broken sentiments
quietly
空气里躲着什么
Kong qi li duo zhe shen me
有点浪漫的心动
You dian lang man de xin dong
我偷偷看你
Wo tou tou kan ni
你也偷偷看我
Ni ye tou tou kan wo
世界上多了什么
Shi jie shang duo le shen me
好像变得很不同
Hao xiang bian de hen bu tong
站在你身边
Zhan zai ni shen bian
这一切都好宽阔
Zhe yi qie dou hao kuan kuo
我还在等着你
Wo hai zai deng zhe ni
静静的爱我
Jing jing de ai wo
只要有你陪我
Zhi yao you ni pei wo
静静的就足够
Jing jing de jiu zu gou
你也在等着我
Ni ye zai deng zhe wo
静静的温柔
Jing jing de wen rou
就这样手牵手
Jiu zhe yang shou qian shou
静静的看着天空
Jing jing de kan zhe tian kong
心里面藏着什么
Xin li mian cang zhe shen me
你只想要让我懂
Ni zhi xiang yao rang wo dong
原来我的梦
Yuan lai wo de meng
也就是你的梦
Ye jiu shi ni de meng
哦
Wo~
纸条上写了什么
Zhi tiao shang xie le shen me
我好想要听你说
Wo hao xiang yao ting ni shuo
让字字句句
Rang zi zi ju ju
充满我们的笑容
Chong man wo men de xiao rong
永远要记得那天彼此许下的承诺
Yong yuan yao ji de na tian bi ci xu xia de cheng nuo
瞬间点亮的火花
Shun jian dian liang de huo hua
是我们的拥有
Shi wo men de yong you
静静的手牵手
Jing jing de shou qian shou
是最简单的梦
Shi zui jian dan de meng
jing jing de (silently)/harlem yu
(woh hen siang nian mi.see wang woh men poo chiow tsai chian miyan.Man tsow)
panic button = on
one humid day
crowded train
perspiring
chilling
trembling
difficulty breathing
chest pains
dizzy
throwing up
emergency room
capitol medical center
170608
please take care…..i care for you so much
My Heart and Soul
The years they come and go
And change will come I know
You won’t be there, my heart and soul
With every time and place
But time cannot erase
The smile that lines your face
As you gaze in mine, you will always shine
And you will always be
An angel making sure I care
The memory, that’s always there
Your dreams won’t die, they live inside of me
You know you’ll always be
My heart and soul
The years roll on and on
I looked and you were gone
I miss you so, my heart and soul
The years can make you wise
Now I finally realize
That if I just close my eyes
I can see you there, and the love we share
And you will always be
A dream so real, that cannot die
A trusting faith that lets me fly
A love so strong that just belong to me
You know you’ll always be
My heart and soul
Oh, an angel making sure I care
The memory that’s always there
You’ll always be my heart and soul
My Heart and Soul/Stephen Bishop
(please keep the memories; please keep me in your heart; carry me with you; i want to be where you are…. even beyond this life..)
the waiting continues
i was supposed to get the result of my spinal tap yesterday but a few hours before my scheduled appointment, my oncologist called and he told me that the pathologist still hasn’t reach a conclusive and definitive findings as to whether the blast cells found in the sample are normal immature white cells or abnormal or leukemic cells. my doctor said the pathologist requested that she be given some of the slides from my original bone marrow biopsy for comparison and analysis. looks like i have to wait for two more days. 😦
i was told that if the test would remain inconclusive i have no other choice but to repeat the spinal tap. or if the pathologist will eventually conclude that the cells are indeed leukemic cells then there’s an immediate need for me to undergo a more extensive chemo, 3 days per week for 3 months and then depending on the progress, i’ll undergo stem cell transplant which will be my last resort. but the thing is: my oncologist is worried that my frail body would not be able to withstand another round of extensive chemo since i had 3 chemo sessions already. he’s afraid that my organs would not be able to take the repercussions and eventually they would fail and kill me. on the other hand, if i don’t undergo another round of chemo (assuming i still have leukemic cells), i won’t last longer than a year. this is so depressing.
on the lighter side, if the pathologist concludes that the blast cells were normal immature white cells it means i don’t have leukemic cells anymore and i will be in remission. i will then undergo a month of consolidation therapy to prepare me for the stem cell transplant.
i don’t know what to feel right now. my head is full of “what if’s”. i know He holds my life in His hand and i just have to accept His will and trust His plans for me, but then, this is easier said than done. nevertheless, I will keep on trusting Him and will continue to wait on Him. i know He will carry me through, He will not leave me nor forsake me.
thank you for your unconditional love Lord. Your love keeps me sane.
You are forever in my life
You see me through the seasons
Cover me with Your hand
And lead me in Your righteousness
And I look to You
And I wait on You
I will sing to You, Lord
A hymn of love
For Your faithfulness to me
I’m carried in everlasting arms
You’ll never let me go
Through it all
Hallelujah, hallelujah
through it all/hillsong
salamat gotpinoy.com
it was january 30, 2008 when i got this email from gotpinoy.com
Congratulations Lex,
Thank you for your continuous support of Philippine Blog Contest from
GotPinoy.com. We’ve chosen your blog
https://brokenman.wordpress.com to reward as our January Winner of
1,000.00 Pesos Gift Certificate for our Monthly Giveaway Prize.
Please confirm your name, address, and phone so we can process
your prize.
my first reaction was “is this real? hmm… could be a hoax”. a few days after i got another email saying the same thing and then some sms’ and offlines from a certain “oliver david” of gotpinoy.com.
i was able to talk with him thrice (online) and there was even a time when he got pissed off with my endless questions that he resorted to saying “its okay lex, if you have doubts, we can just give the prize to another blogger” 🙂
so to make the long story short, i’ve decided to make the necessary confirmation and the gift certificate, SM Gold worth P1,000, was then delivered through myAyala.com.
so to gotpinoy.com and oliver david, thank you for “randomly” picking my blog. i became a thousand peso richer 🙂 yipee!!
and thanks to “you” for the picture. wanna go shopping with me? 🙂 we could eat siomai and chicken after. he he he.
the longing
i long for someone who will……..
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share with me the events of each day, the pleasures of each night
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walk with me through the seasons, talk with me through all that life may bring our way
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travel with me to the places of our dreams
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be with me until i breathe my last
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will take care good care of me
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will allow me to take good care of her
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who will love me inspite of my condition
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who will look into my eyes as she answers the question at the video below 🙂 wink! wink!
happy valentine’s day!
oh baby
i found the nerve to try again. some broken hearts given time will mend. will you be gentle if i surrender all to you, to you.
please understand that i’ve got to be sure. the lessons i’ve learned i can’t ignore. will you be gentle if i surrender all to you, to you
take good care of me ‘coz my heart’s a tender thing, oh yeah. take good care of me ‘coz this heart knows so much pain and could never have it hurting again. so take good care of me, of me
don’t get me wrong ‘coz i really care.but a shadow of doubt has always been there. please reassure me, hold me and kiss my fears away, my fears away
somethin’ tells me it’s right this time. it took a little while but i made up my mind. please reassure me that we’ll be together come what may, come what may
take good care of me ‘coz my heart’s a tender thing, oh yeah. take good care of me ‘coz this heart knows so much pain and could never have it hurting again. so take good care of me
i know forever’s never promise to anyone, so if we can’t wait forever, i’ll take what i can get ‘coz baby you’re the best thing that ever happened to me yet
oh baby, so if we can’t wait forever, i’ll take what i can get ‘coz baby you’re the best thing that ever happened to me yet, oh
take good care of me ‘coz my heart’s a tender thing, oh yeah. take good care of me ‘coz this heart knows so much pain and could never have it hurting again. so take…
oh darling, you got my heart in your hands this time….
baby…..i’ll give to you all of me baby….
take good care of me/jonathan butler
each day with you
Flowers for you, on this lovely evening
Though they have no words they share my feelings
As we walk along the avenue
Pardon me, I just can’t help staring at you
When I look into those sparkling eyes
I float in the air and wander in paradise
You give my heart a source of inspiration
Your beauty is beyond imagination
You are the one
The only one that I desire
When we touch
When we’re one you light the fire
The seasons we share
Hand in hand, there seems to be no time
Each day with you becomes a Valentine
Time must go on and so must we
Moments slip away but not the memories
One day as we look back with all this treasure
Candlelight that shines beyond forever
You are the one,
The only one that I desire
When we touch
When we’re one you light the fire
The seasons we share
Hand in hand, there seems to be no time
Each day with you becomes a Valentine
Your beauty is beyond imagination
You are the one,
The only one that I desire
When we touch
When we’re one you light the fire
The seasons we share
Hand in hand, there seems to be no time
Each day with you becomes a Valentine
You are the one,
The only one that I desire
When we touch
When we’re one you light the fire
The seasons we share
Hand in hand, there seems to be no time
Each day with you becomes a Valentine
each day with you/martin nievera
done with my chemo
my consolidation chemo ended two days ago. thank GOD!
there were minor complications but the doctors’ said its manageable. i practically slept the whole day yesterday and now i can feel that my strength is slowly coming back. i’m still on liquid diet——mostly fruits/veggie juices and ensure—-and i’m starting to get really bored with it. i hope i would be given some soft solid foods soon.
most of my hives are dry now and i have an appointment with my dermatologist tomorrow morning. i still have a slight fever and a cold. the coming days will be the period of waiting for my blood count to go up and regenerate with, hopefully, no leukemia cells. over the next 2 weeks, it is expected that my count will improve and then i will have another spinal tap to check if i’m already in complete remission.
i feel so relieved that things are now going as they should. i also have high hopes that my count will start to rebuild within the coming days. i thank GOD for His great love for me. without Him, i know i would not be able to survive the ordeal.
i also want to express my deepest gratitude to my doctors, to the nurses, to my family, to my relatives, friends, online friends, strangers—-everyone who prayed for me and journeyed with me—-God bless all of You!
please join me and my family in praying for complete remission! thanks again!
just a quick update
Yesterday:
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i had another round of chemo.
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high dose ara-c was pumped into my body for two hours and the clear liquid felt like hell 😦
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ara-c is actually an anti-metabolites which is similar to normal body molecules. they stop the cells from making cancer cells and repairs DNA
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as expected, i was exhausted, thirsty, was throwing up and irritated after the session
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i got hives (sore, red spots on my neck, feet and arms)
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i have 2 big mouth sores and it is so hard to drink water even with a straw. ang sakit! damn!
Today:
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i was throwing up the whole morning.
- early afternoon: my blood count dropped and was given platelets.
- middle of the transfusion: i had an allergic reaction so they gave me 100 mg of benadryl
- at this moment: i feel so tired and grouchy
- praying that the Lord restores the spirit of submission, patience and hope within me
- saw the assessment of my medical bill and felt sad about it (we need to pay at least half of it within the week)
- i want to sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep and sleep
Tomorrow:
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another round of chemo—- a date with ara-c
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anticipating a good result from my cardiologist, re: 2D echo
Please keep those prayers coming.
that’s my goal
You know where I’ve come from,
You know my story,
You know why I’m standing here…
Tonight,
Please don’t go,
Don’t be in a hurry,
I’m here to make it clear,
Make it right,
Well I know I’ve acted foolish,
But I promise you no more,
I’ve finally found that something
Worth reaching for,
I’m not here to say I’m sorry,
I’m not here to lie to you,
I’m here to say I’m ready,
That I’ve finally thought it through,
I’m not here to let you’re love go,
I’m not giving up oh no,
I’m here to win your heart and soul,
That’s my goal.
Please don’t go,
You know that I need you,
I can’t breathe without you,
Live without you,
Be without you,
Well I know I’ve acted foolish,
But I promise you no more, no more
I’m not here to say I’m sorry,
I’m not here to lie to you,
I’m here to say I’m ready,
That I’ve finally thought it through,
I’m not here to let you’re love go,
I’m not giving up oh no,
I’m here to win your heart and soul,
That’s my goal.
Well I won’t stop believing,
That we will be living together,
So when I say I love you,
I mean it forever and ever,
ever and ever….
I’m not here to say I’m sorry,
I’m not here to say I’m sorry,
I’m not here to lie to you,
I’m here to say I’m ready,
That I’ve finally thought it through,
I’m not here to let you’re love go,
I’m not giving up oh no,
I’m here to win your heart and soul,
Yes I’m here to win your heart and soul,
That’s my goal.
that’s my goal/shayne ward
my choice
yesterday……. i had my contrasted CT scan in the morning (to determine if i have secondary infection causing the recent fever spikes), another round of chemo during the night, was throwing up, had difficulty sleeping and drank almost two liters of water. whew!
and today…….i woke up feeling some aches and pains in my lower back and i threw up twice already. but i definitely feel a lot better and I’m looking forward to an hour session with my psychotherapist. i’ll also have my ECG later and the usual drawing of blood.
the past few days…..my spirit is actually down and weary. i feel very tired. this continued treatment is starting to drain my positive energy. and oftentimes i feel like i’m just going with the flow without that much conviction. yes, i’m still praying and holding on to my faith but my being human is taking its toll on me.
a while ago i was scanning/reading some passages from the Bible and this verse caught my attention:
“I am now giving you the choice between life and death, between God’s blessings and God’s curse and I call heaven and earth to witness the choice you make. Choose Life”
Deuteronomy 30:19
wow! what a perfect verse for me. all of sudden i felt like a comforting hand has touched my head–giving me enough boost to go on with my treatment.
so here i am with my choice: i choose life. i choose to fight. i choose to go on with this journey. i choose to be a betterman.
kahit isang saglit
Paano ang puso kong ito
Ngayong lumisan ka sa buhay ko
Kung kailan sumikat ang araw at
Lumigaya ang aking mundo
Paano nang mga bukas ko
Ngayong wala ka na sa piling ko
Paano ang mga pangarap
Mga pangako sa bawat isa
Sana ika’y muling makita ko
Damhin ang tibok ng puso mo
Sana’y yakapin mo akong muli
Kahit sandali, kahit isang saglit
Mayakap ka
Puso ko’y biglang naulila
Iyong iniwanan na nag-iisa
Sana ika’y muling makita ko
Damhin ang tibok ng puso mo
Sana’y yakapin mo akong muli
Kahit sandali, kahit isang saglit
Mayakap ka
kahit isang saglit/martin nievera
somebody’s me
You, do you remember me?,
Like, I remember you?
Do you spend your life, going back in your mind to that time?,
Cause I, I walk the streets alone,
I hate being on my own, and everyone can see that,
I really fell, and I’m going through hell.
Thinking about you with somebody else.
Somebody wants you,
Somebody needs you.
Somebody dreams about you every single night.
Somebody cant breathe, without you it’s lonely.
Somebody hopes that one day you will see, that somebody’s me.
That somebody’s me
How, how did we go wrong?
It was so good, and now it’s gone,
And I pray at night, that our path’s soon will cross.
What we had, isn’t lost.
Cause you are always right here in my thoughts..
Somebody wants you,
Somebody needs you.
Somebody dreams about you every single night.
Somebody cant breathe, without you it’s lonely.
Somebody hopes that one day you will see, that somebody’s me.
That somebody’s me.
You will always be in my life, even if im not in your life.
Cause you’re in my memory…
You, when you remember me?…
And before you set me free, oh listen please…
Somebody wants you,
Somebody needs you.
Somebody dreams about you every single night.
Somebody cant breathe, without you it’s lonely.
Somebody hopes that someday you will see, that somebody’s me.
That somebody’s me.
Somebody’s me…
That somebody’s me…
That somebody’s me…
Oh yeah…
somebody’s me/enrique iglesias
B-R-O-K-E-N-M-A-N 
