Archive for The “Whole Process”

i swear….

..tumubo ulit ang buhok ko 🙂

chemotherapy has taken a toll on my hair. at first i didn’t want to shave it even if my doctor has advised me to do so even before the start of the chemo session. (why? the reason can be found in some of my previous entries). but after the fourth cycle, there were already patches that look like holes in my head and the hair fall was enormous. i had to wear a cap most of the time. so the situation gave me no choice but to see my favorite barber and have my hair shaved.


the result was: a man with almost shaved head, with a swollen face due to steroids and chemo, sick sleepy eyes and a skinny body. i felt so bad about it really. i don’t want to look at myself in the mirror. i used to have that “skin-head” hair style about 2 or 3 years ago but i didn’t feel bad about it. maybe because this time, i had to shave my hair not for the sake of fashion but because it was necessary.

so after the chemo sessions, Uncle Vic, who lives in Australia, sent me 3 bottles of DABAO hair grower. he told me he’s using it and it was very effective. so i did some research on the product and found out that it was formulated, tested in Holland and it’s in the market for almost 15 years now. i was kinda weary at first because i’ve never use a hair grower before but Uncle Vic assured me that the thing is safe and has no side effects.


i actually saw that it is indeed working when i was half way through my first bottle and was happy with the results after i’ve finished my 2nd bottle. i’m no longer wearing a cap now and my hair is growing back in moderate proportion.

i’m happy that things are slowly going back to normal. i believe that remission is really on its way. i’m seeing my doctor next tuesday and my hopes are high that my prayers will be answered.

still a long way to go……the journey from brokenman to betterman is in progress……and i’m just happy that i have HIM with me every step of the way.

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text messages

been getting some “inspiring” 🙂 sms these days and i want to share some of them here:  

“life is not about waiting for something to pass, its learning to dance in the rain. its singing in the car when you don’t even know all the words. its giving your heart to someone even if you are a little scared at first. its about taking risk and making life worth living because every minute you waste is a minute you’ll never get back”  (this is from my friend, chelsea, the future doctor, hey, i miss your baby talk 🙂 

“Prayer changes things. Worrying changes nothing. So instead of worrying about what you can’t do, think of what God can do for you. Have a worry free day. God bless” (from greg of bpi paseo, thanks bro!)

“friendship is like stepping on a wet cement. the longer you stay, the harder for you to let go. and you can’t go without leaving a single but memorable mark” (from mags, salamat bespren!)


prayer is a perfume to our soul and a fragrance that pleases God. wear your prayer everyday and let it freshen you anytime and anywhere you go. have a blessed and sweet-scented day. take care always” (from pia, salamat tsitsi! 🙂

when nice people touch our lives, we see how beautiful and wonderful our world can be. blessed are those who give us sincere care and thoughts. God bless” (from yang, my best bud’s wife)

God’s love is a candle in the dark, no matter how gloomy out life may be, just one little touch of His love is enough to bring warmth and light. love you po” (from my baby sister, reese)

“God will always shower you graces more than you expect, not only because you asked for them but because a friend wished them for you. love you” (from claire)

“God has a reason for allowing things to happen. we may never understand His wisdom but we simply have to trust His will. God bless best bud (from bret, my best bud)

i know in my heart that Jesus will heal you. always trust in Him. i love you daddy” (from my son, jay)

there are a lot more but i’m watching griffin and phoenix on dvd. 🙂 and i’m too lazy to scroll my O2.

i’m still on my wheelchair but i tried walking this morning and my legs are picking up. thank God.

thanks for the prayers people! God bless us all!

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moving out of the “phase”

I hope you’ll die and leave me alone. don’t need you in my life. fuckin asshole”

i was speechless, shocked and hurt when i got that sms. i had to checked the number twice to make sure that its really from her. i can’t believe she can say those things to me.

she became “civil” again after that sms until….the last phone conversation…where more hurting words were said…”i don’t need you in my life. i’m so over you. you are evil. stop texting me, stop calling me, don’t bother me, ang tagal mo namang mamatay, wala na, closed na, no more chance, hindi na ako naawa sa iyo, kahit mamatay ka pa ngayon wala na akong pakialam, masama kang tao, blah, blah”.

so that’s it. the sign that i’ve been waiting for.

it hurts really bad coz i still love her so much. there’s anger—–because of the false hopes and expectations. when she broke up with me, i was so ready to move on, but she sent me sms, called me, cried over the phone, gave me a second chance when i didnt even ask for it…oh well, she said i blew it…the second chance…that’s not new..its always me..the wrong one…always at fault. now its clear, the phone calls, the second chance, the fixing things….all bullshit!

i admit–i screwed up, i gave her pains, i contributed a lot of her stress, i lied to cover up unfounded fears–and i’m so sorry. i just hope she’ll also find it in her heart to somehow say “sorry” for all the pains that she has given me. i want to tell her: “di lang ikaw ang nasira ang buhay, ako rin, pero good for you, coz you got your life back, pero ako, i’m still trying to pick up the pieces”.

she told me she has forgiven me. thanks for that. she told me she’s happy now. glad to her that. good for her.

i know in God’s time..He will take this pain away and i’ll be happy again. i’m now in the process of giving myself back the respect which i threw away when the “phase” dragged for so long. and i have to admit, it got me really really tired.

now i can begin to move out of this “phase”…thank GOD

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I now knew that rebuilding a relationship from a lost trust is very difficult. It is one painful journey and one difficult task  because I have to take away every doubt that lingers in her mind. I have to make her believe in me again so she can put aside any thought that would make her doubt me.

It is indeed true that there is always a risk in getting into and being in a relationship. I know that at this time saying “i love you” is not enough anymore. Promises are broken and vows are put into test everyday. This “phase”, this “journey” is really a constant struggle, with pain and tears on the side 😦

If I choose to go on with this, carrying but a “dot of hope” in my heart, then I know I have to be ready and brace myself for more painful days ahead. And If I choose myself then I would just have to let go of the dream—the two of us getting back together and becoming “bebes” again, and then let time tell me who’s really meant for me.

I guess sometimes I just have to stop pushing myself to love or be loved by someone. I guess I need to be alone so that I would be able to think about what I really want at this point and for me to be able to realize what or who will really make me happy.

I know I have to restart loving myself. After all, real and lasting happiness starts from within.

The choice is within me now.

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i should start learning


Put away the pictures.
Put away the memories.
I put over and over
Through my tears
I’ve held them till I’m blind
They kept my hope alive
As if somehow that I’d keep you here
Once you believed in a love forever more?
How do you leave it in a drawer?
Now here it comes, the hardest part of all
Unchain my heart that’s holding on
How do I start to live my life alone?
Guess I’m just learning,
Learning the art of letting go.

Try to say it’s over
Say the word goodbye.
But each time it catches in my throat
Your still here in me
And I can’t set you free
So I hold on to what I wanted most
Maybe someday we’ll be friend’s forever more
Wish I could open up that door

Now here it comes, the hardest part of all
Unchain my heart that’s holding on
How do I start to live my life alone?
Guess I’m just learning,
Learning the art of letting go

Watching us fade
What can I do?
But try to make it through
the pain of one more day
Without you

Where do I start, to live my life alone?
I guess I’m learning, only learning,
Learning the art of letting go.

                                   -The Art of Letting Go, Mikaela

i will always love you…you will be “here” in my heart for always. ikaw lang ang bebe ko…ikaw lang.

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Lord, when I lose hope because my plans have come to nothing, help me to remember that your love is always greater than my disappointments and your plans for my life are always better than my dreams.

Hold me now Lord, fill this emptiness within.

Please take care of her for me.

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Rain for Christmas

Happy birthday Lord Jesus! It’s your stubborn love that didn’t let go of me. It’s your unconditional love that is continously healing me. Help mo so that I won’t fall out of your grace.

Yes, Lord, I am ready for the “new things” that you are telling me to do. I am weak but I know You will be my strength. Help me not to fail You this time.

Give me strength, Lord, to cross the waters. Keep my heart upon Your altar. Keep my feet. Don’t let me falter. And rain down, Lord. Because it’s your Living Water that I desire. It’s You I desire.

(merry christmas everyone! may we all have a blessed one! God bless! )

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I’m Feeling Green

Green symbolizes self-respect and well being. Green is the color of balance. It also means learning, growth and harmony. It symbolizes the Master Healer and the life force. It contains the powerful energies of nature, growth, desire to expand or increase, balance and a sense of order. Change and transformation is necessary for growth, and so this ability to sustain changes is also a part of the energy of green.

Put some green in your life when you want:

  • a new state of balance
  • feel a need for change or growth
  • freedom to pursue new ideas
  • protection from fears and anxieties connected with the demands of others


In Green

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