B-R-O-K-E-N-M-A-N

last monday, i woke up with a fever and my nose was bleeding. i was rushed to the hospital and after my cbc, i was told i had neutropenia, or low white blood cell count, a common side effect of chemotherapy. i felt bad because this could only mean that my immune system is still weak and there’s a risk to develop more infection. actually, aside from the fever, i had malaise plus cough and colds. i was admitted. the doctors administered antibiotics and white blood cell boosters through IV and i fell asleep in the middle of the treatment. i was discharge a day after and was advised to continue taking steroids 😦  there was an improvement in the wbc count though, thank God.  i just hope that this fever will go away soon.

my friends were asking why i’m taking steroids? well, i asked the same question to my oncologist and as far as i can recall this is  what she told me: as part of my treatment, steroids can prevent sickness caused by chemotherapy. some cancer respond better if steroids is taken along with the chemotherapy. the doctor pointed out that i will only have them for a few days at a time. steroids is an anti-inflammatory drug too,  i was told.

what i don’t really like about steroids is the side effects. i’m having difficulty sleeping and i often feel this heavy feeling in my stomach close to having indigestion. everytime i have the steroids injected i feel this strange tingling itching sensation. one more thing, i can feel my face muscles swelling as if i’m gaining weight 😦

there will be more tests for this week and then i’ll have a 2-day break before the next session. i’m glad that i’m able to cope up with it. thank you for all your prayers. it means a lot really.

thank you Lord for your unfailing love. where would i be without You?  

My abdomen was aching this morning. I felt the cramps and the “revolution” inside which is close to having diarrhea and a bad flatulence. I could feel it twitching. Bad thing is I could not just take any pain medicine, I have to ask my doctor first.

Then, I remembered what my oncologist told me about abdominal pain. She said that its a normal thing, a side effect, when a person undergoes chemo therapy. But she told me I can lessen if not totally prevent it from coming by avoiding the following food (this can help in lessening nausea or vomitting, too):

• hot and spicy foods
• fatty, greasy or fried foods
• very sweet and sugary foods
• large meals
• foods with strong smell
• eating or drinking quickly
• drinking beverages with meal
• lying down after meal
• nuts, seeds or dried fruits
• beverages containing caffeine

One of the most difficult part of being a chemo patient (well aside from the chemo sessions itself) is dealing with the side effects of the chemotherapy. Every day is actually a struggle for me. I usually feel the side effects after the session and then it stay for few more days or even weeks after the treatment. Aside from the abdominal cramps, I’ve experienced the following:

• heart burn (a day after the first session)
• allergic reaction to the chemo medicine (red, itchy rashes called hives.  i was told its a common thing and occurs 36 hours after the session and will last for not more than 24 hours; it appears in my chest, neck, arms, legs, even in that part near “my thing”)
• hair loss (i guess this is the most distressing part of the treatment. it happens because the chemo therapy affects all cells of the body not just the cancer cells. i’m going to have my hair shaved this week. she’s doing it she told me. happy!)
• pancytopenia or the lowering of the red and white blood cells and platelets (this has caused me dizziness, coughing and that “fatigue” feeling)
• lack of appetite (tried eating small meals every three to four hours but i really don’t feel hungry. i always have this bad taste in my mouth. My doctor recommended “megace” a medicine to combat the loss of appetite and its helping me, slowly)
• blurred vision
• fever and chills
• bone pain (breakthrough pain, that’s how the oncologist called it; a pain felt when moving or after coughing)
• bleeding problems (doctor said its because my blood platelets are low from chemo; under-production of blood platelets due to my leukemia)
• common cold syndrome (sore throat, difficulty swallowing food, feels like there’s a lump in my throat)
• constipation
• dry skin (thanks to nivea i feel that it’s not that dry anymore. doctor said the drying of the skin is a common reaction of the body to the chemo drugs; i was advised to take shower or short cool baths instead of long hot baths)
• nausea (in my own experience, this is the most difficult to handle; i’m taking anti-emetics to lessen the frequency but it still sucks)

Side effects are really difficult to handle. Psychologically, it has depressed me a couple of times already, even before the treatment. Physically, it has tormented me and whenever I look at myself in the mirror, I can’t help but pity myself for what I have become.

But God is showing me new perspectives every day. I guess its just normal to feel the pain, the depression, the sadness when you are in a situation like mine but it is also important to keep on trusting God and believing that He knows what’s best for me and that He will never give me something which I can’t bear.

I’m done with the first cycle and I know He will prepare me for the next steps ahead. A minute ago, I whispered a prayer, entrusting my life to Him again. Yes, there’s fear within, there are negative emotions inside but I know in time He will change it into positive emotions as He will continue to reveal things to me  which I have never expected.

Please pray for me. It will surely make the”journey” more bearable.

i woke up yesterday with a bleeding nose and numb hands. i tried getting up from my bed all by myself but i can’t. there was a burning sensation from my arms down to my hands and fingers.  i was able to pull myself up though after a few minutes but not with so much perspiration. i was able to walk a few steps, enough to reach my “comfy chair” near the side of my bed.

while eating my breakfast,  i just realized that..hey, i made it…i’ve finished the first chemo cycle and there are two more sessions left before the final assessment. what a blessing.  i want to say thank you to those who prayed for me. please help me and my family pray for remission. 🙂

the coming days will be for ct-scan, my thread mill test and a visit to the cardiologist and to my dentist. hmm..maybe i should visit a facial center and have my face clean. so what’s wrong with being vain? 🙂 

my hair is falling. i saw an enormous amount this morning in my pillow. yes, i have not shave my hair, much to my mother’s constant reminder that i should go to the barber the soonest. well, i was told that i should shave it even before the first session but well i remembered “her” telling me that she wanted to shave my hair. call me crazy but yes, i’m still waiting and hoping for that moment and i’m praying that  she is still willing to do it for me.   

i survived the day–with less throwing up, less dizziness and more of the constant reminders of God’s awesome love for me.

thank you Lord, truly, i’m never out of Your grace.