Archive for Abril, 2007


a cousin sent me a package with these items:


thanks ate rina, regards to everyone there in vancouver! don’t worry, i’m fighting…for life, for the family, for myself, for her (wink! yes, sya pa rin dito sa puso ko)…God bless. 

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last monday, i woke up with a fever and my nose was bleeding. i was rushed to the hospital and after my cbc, i was told i had neutropenia, or low white blood cell count, a common side effect of chemotherapy. i felt bad because this could only mean that my immune system is still weak and there’s a risk to develop more infection. actually, aside from the fever, i had malaise plus cough and colds. i was admitted. the doctors administered antibiotics and white blood cell boosters through IV and i fell asleep in the middle of the treatment. i was discharge a day after and was advised to continue taking steroids 😦  there was an improvement in the wbc count though, thank God.  i just hope that this fever will go away soon.

my friends were asking why i’m taking steroids? well, i asked the same question to my oncologist and as far as i can recall this is  what she told me: as part of my treatment, steroids can prevent sickness caused by chemotherapy. some cancer respond better if steroids is taken along with the chemotherapy. the doctor pointed out that i will only have them for a few days at a time. steroids is an anti-inflammatory drug too,  i was told.

what i don’t really like about steroids is the side effects. i’m having difficulty sleeping and i often feel this heavy feeling in my stomach close to having indigestion. everytime i have the steroids injected i feel this strange tingling itching sensation. one more thing, i can feel my face muscles swelling as if i’m gaining weight 😦

there will be more tests for this week and then i’ll have a 2-day break before the next session. i’m glad that i’m able to cope up with it. thank you for all your prayers. it means a lot really.

thank you Lord for your unfailing love. where would i be without You?  

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happy food

got this from yahoo health.

Top Ten Happy Foods – bon apetit!

1. Wild salmon (rich in omega 3 fats and vitamin D)

2. Spinach – (rich in folic acid and soluble fiber)

3. Skim milk – (rich in Vitamin D and B12)

4. Ground flaxseeds (rich soluble fiber, omega 3 fats and folic acid)

5. Blackberries (rich in soluble fiber and folic acid)

6. Omega 3 fortified eggs – (rich in omega 3 fats, Vitamin D and B12)

7. Sardines ( rich in omega 3 fats and Vitamin D)

8. Soybeans – (rich in soluble fiber, folic acid and omega 3 fats)

9. Beans (rich in soluble fiber and folic acid)

10. Brussels sprouts (soluble fiber and folic acid)

Plus an extra for good luck!

11. Sunflower seeds – (rich in soluble fiber and folic acid)

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Psalm 23


“The LORD is my shepherd, i shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures and He leads me beside the still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in the paths of righteousness for His name sake.

Even though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i fear no evil for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff they comfort me. You have prepared a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You have annointed my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life and i will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.”   Psalm 23

we were on our way to the hospital this morning for my liver function test (LFT) when mommy saw me looking “gloomy” at the backseat of my crv. she sat beside me and held my hand. no words, but i felt her love, comforting me. then she got her Bible from her bag and read Psalm 23 to me. suddenly, i felt a different kind of “peace” within. i hugged her and we prayed together.

thank you Lord for Your words–for the assurance and for the comfort that it brings—and thank you for my Mommy…she’s my “heaven on earth”.

i’m halfway through my tests…i’m determined to finish it as soon as i can so i can have a few more days “free”..i want to spend it with “her”…we badly need to talk..clear things…fix things, hopefully. i really want to be with her. this separation is too much…exxag (as she always say to me “exxag na to eh..exxag na!) meaning exaggerated 🙂  and i cant help but agree.

i just want to say thank you so much to those who are praying for me. (some of them are “newly found friends” here at wordpress and in the “leukemia circle”). it really means a lot to me and to my family. God bless.

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this is how i feel today

i woke up with a heavy feeling (missing her, aching nape and weak knees). then, this is the first “song” that entered my head and i couldn’t seem to get over it. i’ve already made a post of this song here  which was actually a “repost” from my friendster blog, but what a heck, this is how i feel now.

she’s right, this pain won’t go away, unless we see each other, talk things out and then take it from there. i have to admit, a part of me is still hoping that we will go for the “fixing” rather than “closing” but i realize i shouldn’t be expecting that much. i’ve been into so much pain already and somehow i know she is too. i guess we’ll just have to go with the flow. but for whatever it takes, i know nothing will change within me..i will still love her…so much!

“take care po. iniisip kita. minamahal kita. hugmaon kita”

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i hope she’ll see me as someone….whom he can trust again…whom she can love again… who can be there for her….who can be her friend…who will take care of her….who is willing to “jump”, “dance” and “sing” with her….who will love her no matter what….

Not just an ex-boyfriend….not just someone in her past…not just Mr. Boyfriend #3… .not just someone that she used to love.

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convertxtion 041807

me: nagdinner ka na po?

her: di pa po 😦 kaw?

me: di pa din. di makakain. sana..sana..may oatmeal

her: 😦 kawawa ka naman. ako may oatmeal 🙂

me: puwede humingi?

her: ha ha. sige po

me: you are killing me with your kindness

her: dont want to be a killer po

me: please wait for the pizza

her: yipee! and you are killing me too

her: oo ba. love ko spiderman. pizzasarap! thanks (i think this is a response to my previous entry!)

me: thanks. you want sa imax tayo manood? usap tayo pagpunta ko dyan ha. can’t wait. kain kang mabuti. mahal kita.

her: yes to all 🙂

me: matutulog ka na po?

her: opo! a blessed night to you!

me: okay. good night! mahal kita! take care!

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will you join me watch this movie?

please bebe!

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side effects

My abdomen was aching this morning. I felt the cramps and the “revolution” inside which is close to having diarrhea and a bad flatulence. I could feel it twitching. Bad thing is I could not just take any pain medicine, I have to ask my doctor first.

Then, I remembered what my oncologist told me about abdominal pain. She said that its a normal thing, a side effect, when a person undergoes chemo therapy. But she told me I can lessen if not totally prevent it from coming by avoiding the following food (this can help in lessening nausea or vomitting, too):

  • hot and spicy foods
  • fatty, greasy or fried foods
  • very sweet and sugary foods
  • large meals
  • foods with strong smell
  • eating or drinking quickly
  • drinking beverages with meal
  • lying down after meal
  • nuts, seeds or dried fruits
  • beverages containing caffeine

One of the most difficult part of being a chemo patient (well aside from the chemo sessions itself) is dealing with the side effects of the chemotherapy. Every day is actually a struggle for me. I usually feel the side effects after the session and then it stay for few more days or even weeks after the treatment. Aside from the abdominal cramps, I’ve experienced the following:

  • heart burn (a day after the first session)
  • allergic reaction to the chemo medicine (red, itchy rashes called hives.  i was told its a common thing and occurs 36 hours after the session and will last for not more than 24 hours; it appears in my chest, neck, arms, legs, even in that part near “my thing”)
  • hair loss (i guess this is the most distressing part of the treatment. it happens because the chemo therapy affects all cells of the body not just the cancer cells. i’m going to have my hair shaved this week. she’s doing it she told me. happy!)
  • pancytopenia or the lowering of the red and white blood cells and platelets (this has caused me dizziness, coughing and that “fatigue” feeling)
  • lack of appetite (tried eating small meals every three to four hours but i really don’t feel hungry. i always have this bad taste in my mouth. My doctor recommended “megace” a medicine to combat the loss of appetite and its helping me, slowly)
  • blurred vision
  • fever and chills
  • bone pain (breakthrough pain, that’s how the oncologist called it; a pain felt when moving or after coughing)
  • bleeding problems (doctor said its because my blood platelets are low from chemo; under-production of blood platelets due to my leukemia)
  • common cold syndrome (sore throat, difficulty swallowing food, feels like there’s a lump in my throat)
  • constipation
  • dry skin (thanks to nivea i feel that it’s not that dry anymore. doctor said the drying of the skin is a common reaction of the body to the chemo drugs; i was advised to take shower or short cool baths instead of long hot baths)
  • nausea (in my own experience, this is the most difficult to handle; i’m taking anti-emetics to lessen the frequency but it still sucks)

Side effects are really difficult to handle. Psychologically, it has depressed me a couple of times already, even before the treatment. Physically, it has tormented me and whenever I look at myself in the mirror, I can’t help but pity myself for what I have become.

But God is showing me new perspectives every day. I guess its just normal to feel the pain, the depression, the sadness when you are in a situation like mine but it is also important to keep on trusting God and believing that He knows what’s best for me and that He will never give me something which I can’t bear.

I’m done with the first cycle and I know He will prepare me for the next steps ahead. A minute ago, I whispered a prayer, entrusting my life to Him again. Yes, there’s fear within, there are negative emotions inside but I know in time He will change it into positive emotions as He will continue to reveal things to me  which I have never expected.

Please pray for me. It will surely make the”journey” more bearable.

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surviving the day

i woke up yesterday with a bleeding nose and numb hands. i tried getting up from my bed all by myself but i can’t. there was a burning sensation from my arms down to my hands and fingers.  i was able to pull myself up though after a few minutes but not with so much perspiration. i was able to walk a few steps, enough to reach my “comfy chair” near the side of my bed.

while eating my breakfast,  i just realized that..hey, i made it…i’ve finished the first chemo cycle and there are two more sessions left before the final assessment. what a blessing.  i want to say thank you to those who prayed for me. please help me and my family pray for remission. 🙂

the coming days will be for ct-scan, my thread mill test and a visit to the cardiologist and to my dentist. hmm..maybe i should visit a facial center and have my face clean. so what’s wrong with being vain? 🙂 

my hair is falling. i saw an enormous amount this morning in my pillow. yes, i have not shave my hair, much to my mother’s constant reminder that i should go to the barber the soonest. well, i was told that i should shave it even before the first session but well i remembered “her” telling me that she wanted to shave my hair. call me crazy but yes, i’m still waiting and hoping for that moment and i’m praying that  she is still willing to do it for me.   

i survived the day–with less throwing up, less dizziness and more of the constant reminders of God’s awesome love for me.

thank you Lord, truly, i’m never out of Your grace.

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a year ago

15th day of April 2006

finally…my princess, my bella is now.. officially “MY BEBE”

Answered prayer! Yipee! Good LORD! I couldn’t thank you enough!

I love you more My BEBE..thank you so much for loving me

I am the happiest man in the world!!!!  🙂 


 15 april 2007

i’m the saddest man alive. i just know i will never be happy without her. 

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Who are you now?
Are you still the same
Or did you change somehow?
What do you do
At this very moment when I think of you?
And when I’m looking back
How we were young and stupid
Do you remember that?
No matter how I fight it
Can’t deny it
Just can’t let you go

I still need you
I still care about you
Though everything’s been said and done
I still feel you
Like I’m right beside you
But still no word from you

Now look at me
Instead of moving on, I refuse to see
That I keep coming back
And I’m stuck in a moment
That wasn’t meant to last (to last)

I’ve tried to fight it
Can’t deny it
You don’t even know

That I still need you
I still care about you
Though everything’s been said and done
I still feel you
Like I’m right beside you
But still no word from you

No no
Wish I could find you
Just like you found me
Then I would never let you go (without you)

Though everything’s been said and done (yeah)
I still feel you (I still feel you)
Like I’m right beside you (like I’m right beside you)
But still no (still no word) word from you

 backstreet boys’ sing my life for the moment.

 i hope my mind can just take a pause and not think of her even just for a second….but it just can’ refuse to do so…for the first time…my heart and my mind are… “one”.  

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conversation “after the storm”

me: sometimes the greatest journey is the distance between two people….i hope our journey will not end in distance..i’m hoping there’s still a chance for us…i love you so much

her: you are kidding me! distance is keeping you away from me! distance is crushing us into pieces, distance ‘ telling me that you are not real, distance’ torture for me, distance is you!

me: we can go that distance…and beyond…we….the 2 of us…but only if we both believe that its worth going…

her: you sound like you really want to do it–you want me to believe–i want to! but how? you sound like nothing happened–you have to do the most important thing for us—that is showing up! so, can you do it? will you do it? sirang plaka na ako! paulit-ulit!

me: i believe its worth going..i will go the distance…even with just a dot of hope in my heart…the only armor i have now is my love for you…

her: okay. ikaw may hawak ng gusto mo! God bless

me: i will do it…we had enough of this pain….enough of this distance..i want more of you…here…with me

her: God be with you!

me: please! please!

me: are u taking the hope, the chance away? please don’t, i’m begging you

her: ur crazy! i dont think i ever took the chance away from u and ur rewinding things again!

me: i was just me me stupid…call me whatever u want…nothing that u say can make me unlove least..d chance is still there..thanks…but i hope we could still meet halfway..just in case

her: see–if u are really is sincere-u will never ask me to do my part–u’ll give urs all the way–if u want to meet me–u’ll meet me even if it means death coz u said so

me: now ur talking! i said just in case. i’ll give, do my best…my all just to see with u…and i’m praying that u still want to see me..that ur still open to possibilities…just like before

her: i guess i’ve given my part already–chance!–do yours! see me–no effort from me–but i would still want to see u–yes!

me: ok…i’ll just take it from there..praying that the possibilities are still open..thanks.

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Lady, morning’s just a moment away
And I’m without you once again
You laughed at me
You said you never needed me
I wonder if you need me now

So many dreams that flew away
So many words we didn’t say
Two people lost in a storm
Where did we go?
Where’d we go?

We lost what we both had found
You know we let each other down
But then most of all
I do love you

We played the games that people play
We made our mistakes along the way
Somehow I know deep in my heart
You needed me
’cause I needed you so desperately!
We were too blind to see
But then most of all
I do love you
                  still/lionel richie

i’m hoping you’ll see me…one last time….before we both leave this phase!

i know we are both hurting…and although i’m hoping that somehow we could still talk and fix things…i feel you are not in “it” anymore…

mahal kita….mahal na mahal na mahal…and it doesnt matter if you don’t love me anymore…or you don’t believe those words….i will still love you….even if my heart would break…..i will die loving you!

there’s nothing that you say or do that will make me unlove you!

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into so much pain

i’ve prepared everything for the much awaited holy week trip. ordered tulips and fruits. made sure that the baguio rest house is okay. everything’s ready except……her

i was actually waiting for her sms…she told me she has a shoot today so we will leave after her shoot…..then i got a call from my bestfriend…telling me that she made a blog…and seems like she’s not going to baguio….i tried not to believe it…but i already felt the pain growing within…i sent her sms.. and made myself sound as if i knew nothing….and then she dropped the bomb…

going 2 pagudpud! home by sat nyt! hope ul mit me sunday!”

i think the world went black at that moment. felt a very heavy feeling. then i replied….

“thot we are going to baguio”

as expected, she put the blame on me..telling me i didnt confirm it..that i didnt do this and that….bullsh?t….

i cant believe this is happening….i remembered i even asked her if she has plans for the holy week and she said none…i asked her if we could be together on holy week and she said yes….she even chose the place…baguio…so…she’s telling me…it was my fault! f?ck!

she told me she’s in pain…really…..and then asked me…when will i ease our pain? i wanted to tell her….its in your hands now…you chose not to be with me…we could’ve ease each other’s pains…only if you have chosen to get off that vehicle and go with me to baguio….but you didnt….but i chose not to send her the sms….it wont make her change her mind…it will just add up to my pains.

i feel so alone now. i dont want to think that she’s getting even…that this is intentional…that she lied…that she is  very happy because i’m hurting….that she really dont want to be with me..and this were all bullshits!

i want to be with her…i’ve longed for this moment….holy week is such a memorable feast for me ….a year ago…on black saturday….she told me she loves me….we became “BEBE’s” and i think it would’ve been wonderful if we’ve fixed things and start from where we’ve really started before…i’ve been dying to hold her….tell her how much i missed her…to be with her from wednesday to sunday….to share the bittercold….

i wish i’m dead right now…i wish this pain could kill…i’m into so much pain..this is more painful that the pains i had before

bebe, why are you doing this? my heart…i dont know if its still beating…you could have told me you’ve changed your plans….i will understand…you should have told me…you should’ve told me….i just want to be with you….be with you…but i guess…you dont really want to be with me…

i dont think….the pain would go away this time…this is too much…already.

i love you…but the pain is stronger…..

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